Dear Lili,
Quite a January we had there. SEE YA. January sucked and here is why.
Starting January 14th, MLK weekend – you got what appeared to be your common viral infection – cough, fever, runny nose, etc. Believe me – I know. Welcome to preschool. Kids gets sick. A LOT. I get it. I know. I also understand the importance of building up one’s immune system. However, I was not and have not been prepared for how much LONGER it takes kids with cold and flu induced asthma to kick being sick. This winter has technically been our trial run as parents to a kid of this type. Boy…has it been eye opening.
A kid with a common cold and flu and no asthma gets sick it might last a few days, can even get pretty bad at times but then eventually kicks it. Kids with increased asthma during cold and flu season get that same sickness but it goes right to their lungs and therefore lasts forever…and ever…and ever…and ever…and THEN they eventually kick it.
What does this mean as your parent?
As your parent it means a lot of things. At the first sign of a cold it means that I am forced to start you on an inhaled steroid Pulmicort twice a day until your cold ends. Have you ever given a toddler a steroid? Twice a day? Let’s compare it to how you feel after 15 cups of coffee and no food. Have you met MY child in particular on a steroid? A very amped up young girl WITHOUT steroids? You can imagine the awesome outcome. We then give you inhaled Albuterol every 4-6 hours as needed. I have Albuterol on occasion for allergies to dogs and cats and when I am on that alone I get the shakes BIG time. You get the same dose as I do. So much medicine for such a little body. I hate it. But…there is a reason we give it and during this whole ordeal I could finally see why.
Before this winter you were at the ER on and off through various cold and flu bouts for mask treatments. These were expensive, exhausting and often in the middle of the night when you were at your worst. Those times were stressful as a family because we just felt so powerless.
The good news is we were finally issued an at home nebulizer machine by your allergist for your asthma that flares up during colds. This means instead of waiting to the eleventh hours before dashing to the ER at 2AM we can give you preventative meds and then if needed the same meds you’d get at the ER right in the comfort of our own home. The times are stressful but less so because we can control the outcome as much as humanly possible.
The machine is called a nebulizer. Little pods of meds go inside and come out via steam in a mask which you inhale. They make one in the shape of peguins for kids. You nicknamed yours PENGUINO (penguin in spanish).
When I filled the prescription for the Pulmicort the first time I nearly fainted when the pharmacist told me, “That will be $298 please.” WHAT?! I said. For how many packs? 5 packs total, 5 tubes of medicine per pack. I thought well..how long can this cold last really? Cut to three weeks later….$$$$$.
So after week one of this nasty viral infection we then moved to week two. You were now on 18 days of a low grade fever. Your mucous was so bad that I had to prop you up on several pillows at night. Doctors orders were to keep you upright while you slept to avoid choking on mucous. I ‘slept’ (yeah right) on couch cushions in your room and at every cough would prop you up, watch you slide down, prop you up, watch you slide down for several sleepless nights. One night you choked so hard on your mucous that I sat you upright, you turned bright red, bottom lip blue and finally screaming out loud and by example trying desperately to teach you how to clear your throat you did and were able to get air back into your lungs to breath. THAT sucked. THAT I never want to deal with again thank you very much.
As your mother by day 18 I felt shattered and exhausted. Someone would slam a door and I would shoot about 100 feet in the air. I was jittery and nervous and exhausted. Irrational. Depressed not being able to leave the house or being able to see friends with you on quarantine. I felt so alone and felt crazy to be honest. Felt like no one really understood what we were dealing with here.
At the time an interesting email thread about kids and colds was going around your school. A parent started the email chain (in a friendly tone) as a reminder for parents to please not send their kids to school when their kids were really ill (green snot pouring down, bad cough, fever etc.) For several weeks there I would pick you up at school and kids were hacking up lungs and literally had green snot pouring from their faces. The email started an interesting chain of responses as the parents with kids with asthma gave our POV as to how a cold manifests in kids with asthma. I honestly don’t think other parents knew to which degree this happened. We got so many nice responses from the other parents.
I mean look. If your kid is really sick it’s your responsibility to deal. If your kid has a cold and chews on toys in public places (the library, a music class, etc.) or at a friends house and you don’t wash them off. Gross! What if you were on a treadmill at the gym and the guy before you mouthed the handlebars and then sneezed on all the buttons and then drooled on the start button and got off the machine. Would you want to hop on?
But I digress…
About 18 visits later between visiting your pediatrician and allergist they still were saying we had to ride it out. That it was viral. Felt antibiotics wouldn’t help. PS – have you ever taken a kid to the doctor? Much less 18 plus times? Pushing a stroller on four hours of sleep through hail storms and sidewalks covered in snow banks? It’s kind of an ordeal. You have to time it right. Sometimes you can’t and the appointment is right during their nap/rest time. Have you taken a toddler on steroids to a doctor’s appointment? It’s like taking trying to catch a bouncing rubber ball in a small net while writing down very important information from a doctor. After 18 days of sickness your doctor declared wiht confidence that you would kick this fever and sickness in the next 2-3 days. She was sure of it.
But…no. Cut to week three. 25 days later and the low grade fevers, cough, runny nose, etc. were still present. This meant no school for you this entire time and Mommy and Lili doing every craft project known to woman. But you were still sick. Then, in the middle of a feverish night you broke out in hives all over your body. Your belly, arms, back and legs were covered in hives. You were scratching, crying and miserable.
Docs had no idea what it was. They think and were convinced it was the viral infection leaving your body. Once and for all. 25 days later. PHEW! BYE! BE GONE!
But…no. Overnight you went from pretty crappy to much worse. You laid in your bed weak and tired. You had lost four pounds. You refused to eat. It was very stressful to see you like this. And the fevers were back. Your breathing was the worst I had seen yet in over two weeks. We took you in and they declared you with walking pneumonia.
So…week three…two viral infections down and now walking pneumonia. They put you on Amoxicillon for ten days. I mentally left my body several days during this time period because I had to. I would stare out the window and literally imagine myself in warm, beautiful places with your running around free and healthy in the sand. The furthest we would go would be the drugstore and back. You were too weak and tired to go anywhere else. I was going a little nuts I’ll be honest.
During this time I had missed two weeks of work at a place I have been working a couple hours a day four days a week. I kept the office in the loop. I even brainstormed with them on ways to cover my shifts or ways I could make up my hours. My stomach was in knots of leaving my co-workers stranded as I was forced to focus on my ‘Mom’ duties.
The second day of being home with you with pneumonia I got an email from my job. I had ‘nicely’ been fired. I had been fired and replaced because they needed someone ‘reliable’ and I could not be that person while I had to care for my child.
The word reliable kept me up at night. It gave me stomach pains. It kept popping up in my head. I was so sad and resentful as I have always been a reliable employee my entire life but was forced not to be in this case. I was powerless. And I really liked my job. I liked going to an office and working hard and making even a small amount of money. This was the first time anything in my life affected my work like this. I had never felt so half in one place and half in the other. I felt like the biggest loser and worst person ever that I was so powerless in this whole mess. I was half doing my work. I was half doing my motherhood. Everything I did felt half ass and not done well. I couldn’t do my job. I couldn’t make my kid better. I’ll be honest it sucked. But I had to let it go. I literally had to throw my hands up and accept that this was my reality and my priority was to care for my child. Quite the capper to this super fun month!
But…the good news was in about three days into the Amox you were like a new kid. My old kid! My happy girl with a spark in her eye. That Saturday your father was leaving for Mexico for a vacation with a friend. It was a well deserved vacation and something I knew was coming up. He told me he was going to cancel it at one point and I demanded no. You were on the rise! Just look at you! No fevers! A spark in your eye! Your Dad took off for Mexico with our blessings and my Mom came in on the next bus to visit. Don’t worry about us we’ll be great!
But…no. That night you ran a fever, projectile vomited and had diarrhea. My mother and I scrambled in the middle of the night to change every sheet, towel, stuffed animal, blanket, pillow, etc. in the entire house. We filled over three garbage bags full of vomited on items. I called the doctor…AGAIN.
That night you ran a fever, projectile vomited and had diarrhea. My mother and I scrambled in the middle of the night to change every sheet, towel, stuffed animal, blanket, pillow, etc. in the entire house. We filled over three garbage bags full of vomited on items. I called the doctor…AGAIN.
It appeared you had gone through two viral infections, were currently going through pneumonia and somehow NOW caught a third viral infection on top of this. I literally could not believe my eyes. It was so SO cruel to watch a small toddler barely 24 pounds hang on to the sides of a toilet like an adult – her knees weak – throwing up more volume of contents you could think were even in such a small person after already three weeks of sickness prior. Horrible.
Thank GOD my mother was here. She was a life saver. She did loads of laundry. She held and rocked you in the night until you feel asleep. She cooked for us. She was my friend at night when I was scared and wanted to talk about anything BUT sickness. I cried when she left three days later. When she told you she was going Lili you said, “But who’s going to babysit my mommy?”
My Dad then came in two nights to be with us as we’ve been on the rise. He’s seen the tail end of all the madness. But it’s still great to have had him here to be with us and support us and read to you and grocery shop with us.
There is something so important I hope you always remember Lili. That family is always there for you. Despite the baggage or any differences my parents are examples of parents that will be and continue to be there for their children. I only hope you feel this amazing comfort when you get older and are out on your own! That we will always be there for you too.
I’m better now. The last day or so have been the first close to ‘normal’ we’ve had in over 30 days Lili. I admit I’m a little nervous to send you to school next week. Back to the germ pool! But oh well. Let’s put it this way. I know what to do I guess. I know all the little ugly signals of what to do when should a cold rear it’s ugly head.
Tonight your father returns. He will be tan. We will be not. But we will be HEALTHY! YAY!
And sure…I’m a bit of a changed Mom now. A little extra paranoid but I hope with time that will subside. Give me a chance to recover! I may not be perfect and may even mortify you as I now pull out Lysol disinfecting wipes (kills 99.9 percent of germs in just 30 seconds!) from my purse to wipe down a Trader Joe’s shopping cart before putting you in. But we are family. I am your mother. This is the best job I have ever and will ever have. Hands down. I love you.
xo
It’s even cute sideways. I love you.
