KDUNK

Dear Lils:

Your mother and father can count on one hand? Ok…maybe one and a half hands? how many times we have been out alone since you have been born – three years ago. This ain’t good. People kind of clam up and attempt to hide their shock when we tell them.

Our neighbors just had a baby. The baby came early with some complications but overall seems in good form. We saw them ALONE – as in WITHOUT THE BABY – three times in the course of five days after the baby came home. After one run in they confessed to just returning from a lovely brunch. ALONE.

Where did we go wrong? One thing I do know is you weren’t the baby you read about in magazines. The kind you toss in a sling and then bring along to a loud party. Carry on about your usual business as if the baby is a mere accessory. You were a colic baby. Now that I’ve met ‘normal’ blob babies I know you were not this. You screamed for over six to eight hour stretches. I had to look up the last line to confirm how long you used to scream because I blocked it out of my mind. Yes. Six to eight hour blocks at a time with no breaks. You had gas 24/7 no matter what I ate or didn’t eat while nursing. We used to loop the block with you burning tracks in the pavement to keep you moving at all times for a moments peace. We would stare with dark bags under our eyes at couples eating burgers and drinking beers tossing their heads back laughing with their babies quietly asleep in a stroller next to them at the various restaurants we passed. This was never us. Why? For months and years I just could not figure out what I was doing wrong until I met two Mom friends with kids similar ages. Similar personalities. They have been my lifeboats. Tossing me the line when the fog has gotten too thick to see. I don’t want to say you were a difficult kid because you are MY kid. My adorable wonderful dream. The best thing that ever happened to your father and I. But you were and have continued to be a very significant life change that I’m not sure either of us expected to this degree. Not a bad degree. Just different.

Having had three friends recently have kids it’s brought up a lot of memories and flash backs to those early days. I had no idea what I was doing. It didn’t help matters I was massively sleep deprived plus a born worrier. I was convinced everything I was doing was going wrong, etc. So many of these same patterns still stick with me especially when my body is run down. I am trying to be a better person and mother by continuing to try to let those things go. Day at a time here.

Today we had such a great day. It was snowy and sunny and bright out. We laughed our way falling into snow banks. At the park I pushed you HIGH and you LAUGHED and said, “Mom! You are such a strong, strong, strong girl! You can push anything!” My heart nearly melted.

It reminded me of how far we’ve come. You are such a pleasant friend and buddy to be around now that you can really communicate with us and we don’t have to guess every move we make. The biggest milestone is having a tiny human that you are responsible for that can express EVERYTHING. Oh ok. Now I get it. Phew.

I gave you a heads up that tonight we were going out with a sitter since I know you need an advanced warning but not too advanced so it ruins your entire day. And believe me I know you well enough by now to know that such information given to you too early on in the day will ruin your entire day. When I broke the news Dad and I were going out tonight to a restaurant you said, “WHY? WHY DO YOU HAVE TO GO OUT???????”

First of all I believe in telling kids the truth and remain vague. At least this works for us. “Mommy and Daddy are going to a restaurant for Daddy’s birthday. But then we’ll be back very soon.” The End.

I continued, “Well…they go out because….” I thought back to the few times we went out thus far alone, “because it makes us happy.” Looking back I paused because the few times we went out we did have fun for the most part but we were also tired or overworked or boarding on a cold, etc. and frankly cranky. It’s a lot of pressure on a couple to have a date night and really ‘turn it on.’ when you are out of sync or practice. Trust  me. We are way out of practice. At the end of a long day I want to put on cozy pants and a hoodie and curl up with bad Reality TV. Your Dad wants a beer with a buddy and doesn’t want to talk. After three years of no sleep and some intense child care 24/7 no breaks – can you really blame us?

I realize we need to get back on track. I often visualize you cozy and safe with your grandparents while Dad and I clink glasses on a sunny beach in Mexico.

When you were a baby Lils I used to rock you in my fleece robe swinging you in circles. Dad would swaddle and reswaddle you one hundred times. I’d run a hair dryer next to the sling. We tried baby swings. Baby slings. Parental sings. It was impossible to understand or know what your needs were. What was going on in your little brain.

Tonight when I put you to bed we talked about our great day. I kissed you and turned out the light and then…began the 15 times you called me back into your room yelling at full volume. Some thing never change.

However, when I entered in the dark I approached your big girl bed. You asked the following questions:

L: Mom…are you Karina?

K: No. I am not the babysitter Lili. She will be here when you go to sleep. GOOD NIGHT!

—

L: Mom…can you not go very far. Maybe right over there? To the French place?

K: Ok. Thanks for the suggestion. GOOD NIGHT!

—

L: Mom…I’m really going to miss you (worthy of an Oscar)

K: I’ll miss you too honey but I’ll be home soon. I love you. GOOD NIGHT!

—

L: Mom? I think these fleece pajamas are too hot

K: You’re right. Ok fine. I’ll change them. GOOD NIGHT!

—

L: Mom…can you eat your food really REALLY fast…and tell Dad too

K: Ok. I’ll eat fast. Love you. GOOD NIGHT!

—

L: Mom…

K: Yes Lilian?

L: I’m going to go to sleep now…

K: Thanks for telling me.

I love you

Good Night

xo