KDUNK

Dear Lili:

We are potty training you. Pardon me. I should rephrase this. You potty trained yourself. You did what I read about in the books. You woke up one day and literally said to me, “Mom, Lili wants NO MORE diapers”. And boom.

Here was my initial problem. I was not prepared on several levels. Also, to say I am a little uptight about poop and pee is an understatement. I had not done my ‘homework’ on the step by step process in which to potty train a toddler and felt a little rattled as how to begin. AKA – I was totally stalling. But once again Lili true to character you took the bull by the horns in a ‘come on Mom’ kind of way and we plunged forth.

First. I had bought ‘big girl’ underwear for you months ago which I took out of the drawer. I had carefully picked out innocent little Sesame Street characters making grand statements how I wanted to stay away from commercial images. Little did I know five pairs wasn’t going to cut it as you go through that many in an hour when potty training. The laundry was insane. Now I would literally consider a Costco supply of Miley Cyrus underwear for you if it was readily available to me. I don’t even care.

Secondly, we live in Brooklyn. We don’t have the luxury of ‘running home’ to put you on the potty much less in a backyard nude. The only way I’ve seen other Moms potty train kids is carry around those mini toilet seats with foldable legs that you put baggies inside which you get rid of after the deed is done. When I first saw that I literally emailed my Mom friends and said, “NO WAY AM I USING THOSE THINGS! GROSS!!!! WHAT ARE KIDS, DOG?!” I was mortified for the kids. Plunked on a toilet in the middle of the playground with other kids. No way this could be good for them. But guess what? I got the toilet. Instead of plopping you down in the middle of the playground I bring the toilet to the public bathroom and use it there. If we have time to make it. Or hide behind a tree. Look. I’m lying if you think it doesn’t occur to me how gross this sounds/is. But it works. Already you are able to hold it longer, longer enough for me to say, “Let’s run into this bathroom over here…”.

There are so many stages to potty training. I almost just wrote potty “straining” see? I think about it all the time! The stages are…

NON-STOP TALK ABOUT EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING THAT PEES/POOPS: ZZZZZZZZ. All you do is show your pee to a toddler. Talk about everyone and everything that also pees. Talk about how babies wear diapers. How animals pee/poop.

FREAK OUT MORE THAN KID THAT THEY WILL PISS/CRAP PANTS IN PUBLIC: I personally was SO UPTIGHT in the start of it asking you every five seconds, “Do you have to pee? Huh? Huh? What about now? Pee?” The other morning you had a crazy look in your eyes. I brought the stroller to an abrupt halt and said, “Oh my gosh Lili – are you PEEING IN YOUR PANTS RIGHT NOW??!!! ARE YOU PEEING?????” You looked up with a dead stare and said, “No Mom. I have the hiccups.”

FLASHING: Then toddlers want to show their underwear to everyone because they are so proud. Then they like to announce to everyone and everything passing by updates on their pee/poop cycle. For example today when we were in a hipster location where busy people were typing all cool and collected on their laptops and you emerged Lili from the bathroom yelling at volume ten: LILI GO PEE PEE ON THE POTTY! I WEAR BIG GIRL UNDERWEAR!

The other morning Lili you decided to plunge forth with your first number two in public on the travel potty. We were outside ‘Bedazzled’ jewelry store with no time to spare or hide but I did my best to shield you with the stroller. As you grunted (loudly) your way through your business I was sweaty, crouched down, hiding behind a stroller and my shades holding a tiny plastic bag of poop thinking, “I used to be a full time Writer/Producer for television”.

Life is crazy sometimes Lili. But once again we are along for the ride.

xo