KDUNK

Dear Lili,

Sorry for the crappy week last week.

So much of it was out of my control but some of it was and as your mother at the end of the day and TO this day – I feel responsible.

We have been dealing with crazy strange things since you got your MMR shot on Monday, March 16th. It is the controversial shot that many link to Autism among other spooky conditions. Many parents break up the shots into three over the course of time. Instead we showed up at your appointment like ‘biz as usual’ and let them give you all three at once in addition to Chicken Pox. Why Chicken Pox? I didn’t even think more about it. Looking back I would not have done this.

It was one of those strange bad after thoughts that only hit me when we brought you home. You proceeded to cry for six hours after the shot and while I got the whole ‘kids get cranky after shots’ thing – six hours of non-stop screaming seemed a little insane. Your father even left work early to come and provide support.

When your Dad got home I called the doctor who predicted it would get better the next day. She was wrong. The next day you had a low-grade fever and weren’t yourself at all. You were having tantrums (totally unrelated to anything and that involved falling to the ground putting your face into the floor), crying (actual tears and gulping for breath) and you literally had a scowl on your face as well as a far away look in your usual bright eyes. When I came into your room in the morning or to get you up from a nap – instead of jumping up with joy and hanging on to the edge of your crib waiting with excitement to get out as you usually do – you would be on your back clutching your teddy bear and barely moving. To say the least – I was FREAKING….OUT.

For the next few nights I could barely sleep. I’m not religious but I’ll confess I prayed for any sign of life from you – especially in your eyes – that you were in fact yourself again. I was a mess. I was convinced because I didn’t do my research or devote more time to choosing the correct medical procedures you were now screwed for life. I couldn’t sleep at night. My stomach was a mess of knots. And I spent my free time researching horrible stories on-line despite knowing it was the wrong thing to do.

By the third or fourth day of low grade fevers (100.9/101) on Friday your fever spiked to 103. We called the doctor again. The doctor predicted that this was most likely the highest spike and then it would go down or go away. He also predicted it might be viral and not related to the shot (which actually provided us some relief) since most MMR reactions happen 10-15 days after the shot and not three. They were right. It was the highest spike thank god and the best news was parts of your little personality began to shine through again slowly.

So that was Monday (the day of shots) through Friday (the day of the fever spike) – but by the weekend your fever came back as well as another strange symptom. You would be playing happily and then out of nowhere stop abruptly, clutch your lower back or leg and start to cry or whimper or say, “Mama!” (through tears) for a few brief moments and then stop. I called the doctor again.

She said to come in. She checked your ears, nose and throat. Everything seemed in check but she did mention that she wanted to take a urine sample to see if you might have a Urinary Tract infection – something I didn’t even know small children could get. It would make sense though when I thought about it. You playing happily and then stopping out of nowhere – whimpering when you were peeing maybe or briefly feeling waves of pain. Who knows!

The doctor said we had two choices to get the urine. This is where I will never forgive myself – even though I know I’m being harsh.

The doc said we could extract the urine with a small catheter and it would be quick and fairly painless – like getting a small shot. Or we could put a diaper type contraption on you and wait in the germ fest waiting room with sick kids for an hour plus until you peed (or hope you peed) and then they could grab the urine sample from there. I chose the catheter.

For the procedure I had to hold you down in an aggressive hug while a nurse held your legs open and the doc did what she had to do. However I did not feel emotionally prepared me for what was to happen next which involved the doctor having to somewhat aggressively push it into you – so much so your entire body was shoved up and down several times with force.  While I was sure the doctor was doing the best she could – she confessed after what seemed like several minutes of your screaming, crying, eyes darting looking up at me in fear and complete body shaking – that due to three failed attempts – she had to stop because you still had a thin film growing down there and she could not get it in.

After doing my best to calm you down – which never really happened to be honest – we then had to result to Plan B – collecting your urine in the diaper contraption which we had to then put on you. We waited in the waiting room for close to two hours hoping you peed in the diaper contraption so they could collect the urine. I attempted to calmly call your father at work and update him but didn’t do a very good job making an already tense and vague situation worse. After the two hours of drinking tons of liquid, etc. the doctor opened the diaper up and – nothing.

Doctor sent me home with the swabs, urine sample cup, syringe, etc. to collect the urine ourselves and then bring it in the morning to be sent to the lab. She said to take extra care to be sure the area remained sterile, etc. After waking up the next morning, flooding you with liquids, waiting an hour plus again for you to pee I opened up the diaper to see that the urine leaked all over the bag and diaper leaving the sample – useless.

Back to the doctor. This time with your babysitter who was working with us that day. I felt self-concious and wierd being that woman I usually judge who brings her nanny to doctors appointments and drinking her latte and checking her Blackberry while the nanny holds the baby. While we weren’t those women it still felt like I got those stares.

The doctor and nurse put on the urine collecting diaper at the office. We waited again for an hour plus for you to pee. All this for a little cup of urine! We kept you happy with lollipos which you pointed at every once in a while saying, “THIS! THIS!” In some aspects it was the best day of your life.

We opened the diaper. The doctor said we had enough urine to send to the lab to confirm if it is in fact a urinary tract infection. We would know in three days.

Waiting.

As I type this I am waiting for a call back from the doctor. Your mood has continued to improve, you (knock on wood) have only had one more low-grade fever since and less clutching your privates in pain. We’ll see.

The bottom line Lili – after a long unorganized ramble blog – is that I am sorry for all this dumb tiring stuff. Compared to seriously ill children I know this is nothing but as first time parents this stuff can be super scary.

One thing I vowed to myself is this – when asked in future doctors appointments how I want to proceed with medical things involving my child – I will take the pause…………the sometimes uncomfortable one……….. to take my face off the doctor’s gaze, turn my head towards your little face Lili – and take as much time as I need to think about what is in your best interest.

After that – we will take it from there.

I love you.