KDUNK

Dear Lili,

Today the playground had been heavily rained on. The swings were pools of water. The wood soaked. The slide was practically black and at the bottom of a slide was a very tempting pool of dirty gross cold water.

Many kids wanted to go down the slide. Many kids didn’t understand the phrases most of the caregivers were using such as ‘can’t go down there right now’ or ‘it is yucky’ or ‘we have to let the slide dry’. I did not judge them for saying this. Why? Because so much of my early motherhood-ing has been of this mindset for whatever reason. Avoiding getting you super dirty.

For a long time now I’ve wondered if this was an urban thing. I think honestly that it is. If I lived in a house with a backyard I would let you run more wild I think because I could just wash you up afterwards or throw a load of laundry in. In Brooklyn, you do things like ‘go out for the day’ for long periods of time with your child and don’t have the luxury of driving home for a quick second. So unless you cart around several changes of outfits you are stuck strolling around a dirty wet child for hours as you go to the grocery store, the library, to someone’s house for a play date, etc.  Dirty clothes for most people sit for several days in your laundry bag in urban living before they are dropped off at the laundry mat unless you have a washing machine in your tiny apartment. Also – lets say you put dirty wet child back into their stroller after playing in the mud – you now have to wash not only the clothes they are wearing but also the stroller bag in which they are zipped up in for most the day every day. Blah blah blah.

These days I am trying to be less uptight in all the wrong places. Having spent a lifetime doing so I just can’t stomach it anymore. Today I had a pause as I realized something that had changed about me. The more I am trying to let go the happier I am feeling.

This morning was a perfect example. I watched you make your way towards the slide in your perfectly clean cute pink pants. I let you bend down and splash a dirty puddle of water with your tiny hands which you then immediately put in your mouth (super gross). And then as you held your arms up and grunted – a sign to be picked up and put down the slide – I did just so – watching you land happily in the tiny pool of gross cold water at the bottom. You laughed and kneeled in the dirt afterwards. You played with a stick and hit it in the water.  Other people looked on wondering I’m sure what this crazy Mom was doing. But so what, right? The sun was shining. It was a beautiful happy morning. And so what? You had dirty wet pants. All we did was just go home.