KDUNK

I have been meaning to keep a running list of words you have said at one point or know. Your father can let me know if I am missing anything.

List of words you have said at one point or another to date at 14 months:

DaDa, Mama, Abby (your nickname for babysitter), Duck, Cat (you say a high pitched MOW MOW) , Pig, Cracker (Cakur), More (Muh), Shoes (Sues), Sock, Fish, Agua, Nana, Coffee (Mama’s hot coffee – you shake your finger ‘no’don’t touch), EIEIO, No, Yes, Up, Feet, Tickle (Tika Tika), Mum Mum (food)

List of words or commands you know the meaning of (such as where is the flower? and you point and make a sniff motion with your nose):

Flower, Dog (you say FFF FFF for woof woof), Frog, Crib, Cup, Teddy, Kitty, Blankie, Pacifier, Video (at the mere mention of word video you launch into singing EIEIO), Hot (you shake your finger no), Computer, Pretty (you say wow), Hairbrush (you pretend to brush your hair with your hand), Kisses, Hug, Off, Open, Close, Walk, Belly button, So Big (you raise hands), Butterfly (you exhale a ‘wow’and point to sky), Lion (you roar), Spider (you make crawlking motion with fingers on neck), Nose (you point to your nose or someone elses), Eye (you jab yourself in eyeball)

I love you. Good work!

Dear Lili,

Today the playground had been heavily rained on. The swings were pools of water. The wood soaked. The slide was practically black and at the bottom of a slide was a very tempting pool of dirty gross cold water.

Many kids wanted to go down the slide. Many kids didn’t understand the phrases most of the caregivers were using such as ‘can’t go down there right now’or ‘it is yucky’or ‘we have to let the slide dry’. I did not judge them for saying this. Why? Because so much of my early motherhood-ing has been of this mindset for whatever reason. Avoiding getting you super dirty.

For a long time now I’ve wondered if this was an urban thing. I think honestly that it is. If I lived in a house with a backyard I would let you run more wild I think because I could just wash you up afterwards or throw a load of laundry in. In Brooklyn, you do things like ‘go out for the day’for long periods of time with your child and don’t have the luxury of driving home for a quick second. So unless you cart around several changes of outfits you are stuck strolling around a dirty wet child for hours as you go to the grocery store, the library, to someone’s house for a play date, etc.  Dirty clothes for most people sit for several days in your laundry bag in urban living before they are dropped off at the laundry mat unless you have a washing machine in your tiny apartment. Also – lets say you put dirty wet child back into their stroller after playing in the mud – you now have to wash not only the clothes they are wearing but also the stroller bag in which they are zipped up in for most the day every day. Blah blah blah.

These days I am trying to be less uptight in all the wrong places. Having spent a lifetime doing so I just can’t stomach it anymore. Today I had a pause as I realized something that had changed about me. The more I am trying to let go the happier I am feeling.

This morning was a perfect example. I watched you make your way towards the slide in your perfectly clean cute pink pants. I let you bend down and splash a dirty puddle of water with your tiny hands which you then immediately put in your mouth (super gross). And then as you held your arms up and grunted – a sign to be picked up and put down the slide – I did just so – watching you land happily in the tiny pool of gross cold water at the bottom. You laughed and kneeled in the dirt afterwards. You played with a stick and hit it in the water.  Other people looked on wondering I’m sure what this crazy Mom was doing. But so what, right? The sun was shining. It was a beautiful happy morning. And so what? You had dirty wet pants. All we did was just go home.

Dear Lili:

There are several times as your mother where…well…I have messed up.

A classic story is the time I undressed you to find I had – by mistake – zipped up a giant plastic tub toy shark in the leg of your footed pajamas and that was the reason you were crying all night and not – ‘teething’. Well I have another one for you and for that I am sorry.

The last few weeks when I take you to the park I keep trying to let go of your hands and encourage you to walk to me. As you may remember – a month or so ago you totally walked on your own – across the room and back several times – and we clapped and took and video and life was great. And then you totally totally totally have refused to walk since then.

Yesterday in the park something was different. Something about your refusal to walk. You actually looked very upset and angry when I made you try. When I let go of your hands you looked up at me and said ‘Nuh!’(No) and started to cry and would fall down. I can’t explain it but as your mother I had a gut feeling something was ‘wrong’– something about your walking was bothering you. So – natural starting point – your shoes.

I took a look at your feet last night. Really looked at them. I noticed almost out of nowhere – your feet were HUGE. Like the size of a basketball players! In a blink of an eye you grew overnight and today I had the babysitter get your measured at the shoe store and told her to call me with ‘the results’.

Here are the results.

Mama had you in Size 4 shoe and you are a…5. In fact a little more than 5.

Um. Sorry?

Sorry for this little one. Sorry for that look on your face at the playground – the one that has wanted to run and walk but instead you fall down and cry. Sorry your father and mother didn’t measure you but you are growing so fast we forgot to catch up. I promise we really don’t believe in foot binding even if it means you might marry into a nice family for a hefty sum.

We love you. New shoes are on the way. Express. Promise. In fact when you get them I fully expect you to run – run so far away from me. But please come back.

xo

Hola Lili,

Today you added another Spanish word to your vocab – Agua. You, Dad and I were sitting eating lunch and you pointed to your water bottle and said ‘agua’. It was so clear and crisp that I was shocked as I always am and said, “Lili…did you just say agua?” Then you smiled and turned to Dad and then turned back to your water bottle and proceeded to say Agua and then we clapped and cheered and then you said Agua and then we clapped and cheered and so on and so on.

My mother once told me I said agua at the age of 5 or so. We were in a greenhouse and I had wandered off somewhere beyond her watchful eye. All of the sudden the sprinkler system turned on in the greenhouse and my mother and the person working there found me in the middle of the mess. I had turned the crank on and was standing there yelling the latest word I had learned on Sesame Street – AGUA AGUA AGUA.

I’m glad our experience was in the privacy of our own home. Less mess.

HI LILI!

I start this post with those words because yesterday you spent the entire afternoon screaming HI LILI at volume ten wherever we went. It was the first time I ever heard you say your little name and it made me cry because you are so darn cute.

It occured to me that you were saying ‘HI LILI’to everyone that passed by because for the last year anytime anyone said hello to you or smiled at you in your stroller Dad and I would lean down and say, “Can you say hi Lili?” So now you say…Hi…Lili. Makes perfect sense now doesn’t it? Hopefully one day soon you will make the association that you are in fact Lilian.

Two times yesterday you even said your full name – LILIAN but it sounded like LEE-LEE-ANN and sounded a little drunk with a slight lisp. Hey – it’s a start!

xo

Hi Lili,

Today you said BLOOOO (blue) when looking at your colors book. I don’t think you associate the word with the actual color yet but you know BLOOOO must be in there somewhere so – you go girl!

xo

Dear Lili,

Last night I think was the first time you appeared in my dream. At least that I remember. Despite your brief appearance here it is:

I was flying a paper airplace/hang glider with my best friend Becca. Becca was on the left side and I was on the right side. It was a warm summer day and we were flying above super green grass and a tall, tall apple tree. Becca’s father had taught us how to fly the plane and even was trying to convince us to fly all the way to her home town for an Obama celebration he was hosting. Becca and I weighed our options. Discussed the pros and cons at length as we do and have throughout our entire friendship with any big decisions. At times the plane would start to dip down and lose steam. Not in a violent way but in a neglected way. Then one of us would remind the other ‘Kick kick kick!’and we would scissor kick like a couple of Rockettes until our plane caught wind again and rose.

At one point after we deicded against flying the plane to the event (neither of us knew how to land) I briefly considered strapping you in the middle of the plane and taking you for a ride but Becca and I agreed. It was a flimsy strap. You weren’t ready. We were afraid you might wiggle.

Dear Lili,

The first time you put two words together you said ‘Shoes Dada’– it really sounded like ‘Suse (insert lisp) DaDa’but it was still so darn cute. Today you said your second pairing of words ‘More Cracker’or ‘Muh Kaka’pointing to the box of crackers from which we were feeding you. These are very important words to know seeing as they will be crucial in your many girls nights with tons of wine and cheese.

I can’t quite explain to you Lili how insane it is as your parent to here you SPEAK. And now IN SENTENCES. Ok…maybe not sentences but almost! The craziest part about today was it was just you, Dad and I hanging out chatting away while you ate lunch and you just came out with ‘More cracker’so matter-of-factly as if you had been pairing words for all of your near fourteen months of life.

I love you so much. I am so proud at how hard you work on a daily basis to grow and learn and be who you are. Dad and I have noticed that you are a little on the wild side these days. You are just a little brute – loud and screamy and manic laughing and needing the attention of all adults (and now older kids) around you. It’s such a funny thing to watch. I’ll be honest – sometimes I have to tune out the voices in my head that say, “Oh my gosh…every Mom here must think I feed my child only sugar” and embrace who you are for who you are. But most the time I’m laughing right there with you. A little quieter – but laughing.

xo