KDUNK

Lili,

Poor Dad. By mistake I’ve taught you something bad and now Dad is wrapped up unwillingly in my insane parenting.

A few weeks ago you crawled towards Dad’s computer cord on the ground. It was plugged into the wall and just as you were about to grab the end I said strongly, “No Lili! No touch. That’s Dada’s.” For the record – I normally don’t talk like a cave woman. Really. It’s just that recently I read somewhere that if you use simple language when speaking to a toddler they can understand you better. Who knows. This could be a total load of crap like most things I read on children. But for us it is working. I digress..

As a result – like most babies obsessed with taboo things – for the next several days you would point to the computer cord on the ground and say, “No Dada” and I would say, “Good girl Lili. No touch. That’s Dada’s.” And then you would say it 75 more times and I would agree.

Unfortunately this has taken a turn beyond my control. The other day we were in the kitchen and you started to crawl towards the hot radiator. I said, “No Lili. Don’t touch. Hot!”

You stopped mid-crawl, furrowed your brow seriously as if suddenly you were ‘so on board’ as to the danger of the situation and said in all seriousness, “No – Dada’s.”

Half listening and ok…too tired to deal I said, “Good girl. Yes. No touch. That’s Dada’s.”

Cut to the next day – with the half open paint can. The cactus. The dirty mop. The cabinet beneath the bathroom sink. Everything was a danger zone and um…thanks to my wack job parenting…it all belonged to Dada.

In fear your father might apply a ‘no touch’ policy of his own with me (ahem) after hearing the mess I had created – I came clean with my confession of teaching you things were bad and how you now associated them with his name. He was not pleased.

On the bright side – just think how awesome this really is. A way to build up your father’s reputation as a real bad ass so that when you get older and your friends say, “So…what was your Dad really like growing up?” you can say something along the lines of,

“Nice guy. Totally into dangerous things.”