Happy Halloween little peanut. We were going to make you a gorilla for Halloween – Gorillian – but they were sold out. Your father thought I was lying just so I could put you into something cute and girly instead but I swear they were sold out. And plus I think you still look pretty darn cute. I love you.
Next year you can wear whatever you want and can TP people’s houses and throw rotten eggs I swear.
Lili!
What a week! Before I forget:
FEEDING YOURSELF: on Monday 10/27 you learned how to pinch your fingers and pick up a Cheerio and put it in your mouth. It was very exciting since Dad saw it first, than Gabby your nanny and then the next day I was there to witness. You seemed so happy and proud of yourself.
This same week you also were eating yogurt with me and desperately wanted to dip your spoon in there on your own. It was close to the end of day tub time and since I knew it would be a total mess I let you go for it. You were so adorable and reached out your little arm, carefully and very slowly dipped your spoon in the yogurt container I was holding and then with locked eyes to mine slowly brought the spoon over to your general face area – hitting the cheek first and then eventually making it over to your lips and into your mouth. Often the spoon was upside down but again you were grinning ear to ear so happy for yourself.
CLAPPING: lately you are clapping up a storm. I say, “Can you clap?” and you happily go nuts clapping. I like how you sort of have close your eyes and scrunch your nose when you do it as if you are afraid you might hit yourself in the face.
STANDING: you’ve been standing for a while but now you definitely are up in a flash and move your hands along furniture ‘walking’. When your grandmother was visiting last weekend you climbed on to the couch on your own – pretty impressive. That same weekend you also ‘walked’from one end of your crib to the other holding on rung by rung to the bars.
HUMOR: your humor is funnier than ever. You think it is HILARIOUS when Dad and I do something to alter our appearance in some way. It’s as if you know it is us but see that we are being funny and boy does that crack you up. I put a sparkly silver headband on the other day and Dad took off his glasses and you literally laughed a belly laugh for ten minutes. You would look away – look back – crack up – look away – look back – crack up, etc.
All for now – so much more exciting things to come.
xo
Lili,
Today Dad and I bought you your first pair of shoes. They are purple suede and not exactly the style I envisioned for you but they were on sale. Sorry to be a cheap-o but I can’t fathom buying a shoe for a kid over $40. Absurd. Especially at the rate in which you are growing!
I am even more sorry that I took you to the shoe store with that car salesman of a shoe store guy. Hopefully he didn’t leave a lasting impression on you.
Why is he gross and annoying? Because he checks out all the Moms in the shop and has a panicky Fox news style scare tactic approach to shoe selling. For example here are two gems I overheard him saying to some paranoid mothers today:
“You should really, really buy the upgrade for your kid. I know those ones aren’t on sale but these others might gather moisture and create mildew in your child’s shoe. Earlier in the week I had a mother come in and her child’s sock had fungus…“
“I would suggest this shoe from France. It is top of the line. You don’t want your kid wearing some cheap shoe that could deform their small bones and give them problems walking later in life…”
Unfortunately Lili you will have to encounter people like this in your life. When you grow up I will teach you the definition of a sleeze ball by merely bringing you to this shop and introducing you to this man. Then I will teach you how to kick him in the balls.
Dear Lili babe,
I miss you. And you are only asleep in the next room. Not miss you like I want you to wake up miss you – you need your sleep. But it is just a little clue in to how much I enjoy being with you. I really do.
Today you just had a rotten cold. A crummy, crummy cold that had you sneezing all day and rubbing your nose and congestion and watery eyes and fussy crying most the hours of the day. I felt so bad for you. You seemed so miserable and there was really nothing I could do for you which was a total bummer as your Mom. Babies don’t know how to blow their noses so you go around wheezing snot in and out of your tiny holes and freak out when I come near you with a tissue or the little bulb device to extract the goo.
In other news I want to record some stuff while I remember…
Tricks – On Monday 10/20 we were on the playground and you pulled yourself up to a standing position which you do with some ease now and then ‘let go’from the toy you were holding on to and stood there on your own for a few long seconds before plopping back down on your butt. Go Lili go!
Teeth – you are now working on 8. It’s kind of nuts! You have 4 completely in up top and 2 completely in on the bottom and 1 half tooth and 1 sliver of a tooth peeking through the gum. Soon you will be eating baby back ribs I swear you will.
Eating – has gotten much much better. You are willing to at least try most things and yet you still cling to your dramatics which I now find more comical and less serious (the kid won’t starve). A recent success I made was an Israeli cous cous salad with whipped goat cheese and little diced peppers, red onion, grated carrot and zucchini. But you never know with you though. One day you like it. The next – blech. Like the other day I gave you some chopped up bits of lamb and rice from our dinner the other night which you happily ate about three thousand bites of and then I ‘broke the cycle’by introducing this sweet rice cracker type thing which you raised your eyebrows at as in ‘woah dude…you were so holding out on me with this’and then when I attempted to go back to the little bits of lamb and rice you gagged and spit and looked as if I was trying to give you rotten fish. So yeah. Like that. My biggest accomplishment today was trying to give you a little chicken noodle soup for your cold which you weren’t having so I took the broth and poured it in your sippy cup and you guzzled like…2 oz. So there. Mom wins.
Tub – I have continued to still put you in the big girl tub and get in there with you. I’m sorry for the other night when I was only holding on to you with one hand and you slipped and inhaled a ton of water and couldn’t catch your breath and were literally crying in a total panic all freaked out. Sorry babe. I try my best. I really do.
Sleeping – you still wake up at 12PM, 3AM, 5AM and for good 7AM (although lately it has been 6:30AM). The books and doctors tell me/us we need to sleep train. I’m scared. You are a powerful force that will not be stopped. We’ll see!
Magician – you still continue to get into everything within a split second – it’s truly amazing. A turn of the head and you’ve scooted across the living room and are teetering on a slippery stack of toys trying to pull a heavy photography book off the shelf. That kind of thing. Or when we are out in public like today – I turn my head and you are into things I don’t even know how you got into. Today we were in a deli that had barrels full of coffee beans with plastic circle lids. I was paying at the cash register when I looked down quickly at you in the stroller and somehow you had grabbed one of this giant plastic circle barrel lids the size of a small pizza pie I’m not even kidding that read ‘FRENCH ROAST $7.99 LB’and were clutching it on either side with your tiny hands and your drooling mouth on the rim. Mmmn. Great.
Imagination – your Dad said something the other morning that stuck with me. You woke up very, very early and he encouraged me to let you play in your crib for a while and not rush in there and encourage you to ‘use your imagination’. He is totally right. I’ve been trying to be better about that. As a result – instead of dangling a toy in your face at every second in an attempt to keep you occupied or happy – I let the gaps take place which you fill naturally. Like tonight. When you took my winter hat, threw it on your toes, laughed and grabbed it to do over and over again. You were right. I kept quiet and it was funny.
xo
Dear Lili,
Tomorrow I head ‘back to school’– aka my old office to work a freelance gig for three days a week for the next few weeks. I am nervous to say the least. It will be fine and everyone is great but ok…I leave you at 9:30AM and come home to you at 6:30PM. I haven’t done this before. And yes – I want a little sympathy.
It’s a big deal as a woman/Mom trying to balance all this crap. Today for example – I had to finish up revisions on scripts and had no babysitter. Technically I worked two full-time jobs today except I put only one boss in a bubble bath before bed and it was you.
You are at this wild age where nothing can stop you. I admire this about you and resent my powerlessness at times. Mostly I think you will grow up to be strong willed and stop at nothing which I like about you. The world could use a little change.
Today was one of those days you wanted to show me your muscle. I put you down for one moment and at the next blink of an eye you had one leg wrapped around a computer chord plugged into the wall and your eye on a full glass of water on the table. I then built a blockcade of cushions to keep you from the perils of our livingroom bookshelf (large, heavy photography books potentially falling on you) and you knocked down my blockade with a smile and even a grunt like Babyzilla. Nothing can stop you from your Weegee.
I finally gave up on checking emails much less writing at all and decided since you weren’t sleeping and you sure as heck weren’t eating (you liked quiche yesterday and gagged on it this morning like it was a rotting piece of blue cheese) we should head out to our home away from home – the Brooklyn library.
The library was ok and all for a while and then a class of what seemed like 10,000 kids came in. And a few moments after that I took my eyes off you for one second and you had crawled literally under – UNDER – the chair of a very, very large obese woman who got up quickly and stepped back with all her weight on to your tiny hand. You were crying so hard I thought you broke your fingers or worse a hand. Boy was that scary. Luckily – phew – you were fine.
You helped me go back to school shopping today. On the way home from the library we stopped into Duane Reade because at the last minute it occurred to me I had no notebook for meetings or work. The only thing left on the racks was a purple Trapper Keeper with TRAPPER KEEPER written on the side. I had to buy it. I was desperate. I look forward to the point where someone across the room takes a glance over at me and wonders who invited the under dressed seventh grader to the meeting.
I found one of your maple leaves that you love so much while cleaning up tonight. I stuck it in my bag so I can think of you tomorrow and every day. I love you Lili.
xo
Dear Lilian:
Here are some current Likes/Dislikes and general observations of you at 10 months old:
LIKES
DISLIKES
GENERAL OBSERVATIONS
We are proud of you and your little growing self. Love you.
Dear Lili,
In less than 8 weeks (55 days) you will be one years old. I think that is right. Ask your Dad. He’s good with numbers. Regardless – ack! Where has the time gone! My little girl.
When you were a tiny, tiny baby I would carry you around in a little sling. People would stop me wherever I went and tell me to enjoy the time because it goes so fast. Other more shy but equally sentimental people would lovingly look my way and smile ear to ear with that silent ‘enjoy it’stare. I can already tell I’ve headed down that road. Just today I turned around to watch a mother and her small little baby in a sling pass me as I pushed you in the stroller. I couldn’t help but get a little emo. I even bent down to give you a kiss. Soon you’ll be old enough to say, “Mom! Ew!” but for now I have you where I want you.
Having long outgrown the sling, your father and I know our days are numbered as far as carrying you around in both the Baby Bjorn and the Ergo carrier. Your Dad has always favored the Bjorn carrier comparing the hippie Ergo to a ‘complicated chick bra’. But now you are long and gangly. Dad had you in the Bjorn over the weekend and you kept kicking your long limbs in the ‘lower regions’which you might imagine was a tad uncomfortable. When I carry you in the Ergo you seem ok. But more often as of late you squirm around wanting to always face forward, see what it coming your way and not miss a thing. Somehow this is very ‘Lili’.
You and I have a little tradition I thought I’d log here for you before I forget. Each night after a long day – I take you to the park for a short stint and then put you in the Ergo carrier and we stroll slowly down one side of our beautiful long block in Brooklyn and up the other side back to our apartment. On our stroll we look in all the windows. We look at the fall decorations. We listen to the music coming our of the various windows. And we sing the same little song I made up a long time ago in a totally sleep deprived state. Our song is about our street and who lives on it. And despite the song being repetitive in rhythm and lyrics you seem to like it and have even started babbling along these days.
I like our nightly walk because it’s the closest thing I have to being pregnant with you having you pressed so closely to my body. It’s also the only time in the day where for whatever reason (you’re tired?) you manage to remain still and don’t twist about trying to look around as you do other times in the day.
I know my days are numbered for carrying you like this. For now I am cherishing it.
Here is my not fun incident:
Lili and I were just in the health food store. I ran into a Mom friend and her baby. Lili was in the stroller chewing on a pacifier string clip – does so all the time – no biggie? (um…) She made a slight choking sound. I looked in stroller she was fine. Said goodbye to friend. I strolled five more feet to freezer section when I heard full on horrible choking sound. Look in stroller. Lili reddish/blue and choke/coughing. I rip her out of stroller and pick her up. I scream, ‘Oh my god!’and possibly ‘Help!’but I can’t remember. I whack the S#$! out of her back. A mother with toddler in arms runs over with Dad and two older kids in tow. The Mom and Dad cluster around me asking if she is ok. Shortly after Lili coughs and appears to be breathing fine again. The fellow Mom and Dad help me pick up my tipped over stroller and my produce strewn about the store. Together we comb the stroller for any sign of what the hell went in her mouth? Pacifier string clip exactly the same…nothing missing. Did she have something in her stroller from before I hadn’t noticed? Did she grab something in the store?
Still a total mystery.
The Mom calms me down and tells me Lili looks fine. She shared a near incident story with me that made me feel better. The couple and I wait a few minutes and watch and wait for Lili to start acting like herself again. Lili smiles and reaches for things. They leave. I pay and exit the store grabbing a box of herbal tea to relieve tension on my way out.
Outside the health food store I push the stroller over to the side and clutch Lili in my arms for a minute and smell her head. In my mind I’m saying, Oh my god. I can’t deal! But because I am her mother I do. We start to stroll home.
No sooner are we back on the sidewalk when all of the sudden Lili’s entire face lights up – smiling ear to ear. I follow her gaze to an older, good looking gentleman smiling back at her ear to ear sitting on a nearby stoop. He says,
Look at that smile! Must be someone I know from the past. I think it’s my brother.
Dear Lili,
One day I will have to confess to you many things about my life.
Some of them unwillingly about my shady past. Ok – not that shady – but still. One of those things will be the time I had to leave you behind with the babysitter to work on a reality TV show about a rap artist that fathered six children. Sue me.
Starting next week I will leave your with the babysitter all day from 9:30AM-5:30PM for three days a week for a select amount of days (not permanently) – but still. This will be the first time I’ve really truly left you in our ten months together without at least seeing you once during the day. It will be hard. I know – I’m a wuss.
I’m sure I will get little sympathy from full-time, hard working Moms out there considering I will still have you all day for two days a week. I’ve just been so spoiled to be able to work locally in Brooklyn until now and this job will bring me into Manhattan every day for three days a week. Not a biggie. By train we will be 1/2 hour from one another. Worst case the babysitter can bring you in to see me which I feel grateful for.
In the past accepting a freelance job like this would seem like no big deal. Now things are so much different! It means stocking up on food at home to be sure I leave you enough for the day, preparing some meals in advance so I am not cooking every day, pumping milk in advance to leave you some with the babysitter despite that being hard now that my milk supply is so low (barely enough to nurse you as is) and bringing the ‘old travel pump to work (ew) excusing myself every two hours or so from the job – a reality so many women deal with every day but I have really yet to. And rushing out to be home on time to pick you up – another scary achievement considering the line of work I am in often working to the 11th hour on last minutes changes on things.
Bottom line is Lili – I can only do my best. And Mama’s gotta make some coin if you, Dad and I plan to live in our gangsta’s paradise. You know – a bowling alley in the basement for you, a private movie theater for me and Dad’s collection of vintage cars.
Forgive me.
xo
Dear Lili,
Thank you for doing the adorable thing you do lately which is carry a giant maple leaf by the stem wherever you go in your little hand. Ever since we took you to Maine you LOVE leaves. When we take you to the playground you are less interested in the swings and the toys and scan the park for the biggest and most beautiful fall leaves. At first I was worried you would eat them but you don’t which both your father and I and the babysitter find funny considering you put everything else in your mouth.
The other night we got you ready for your bath and you just would NOT put down your giant maple leaf. I left the room and returned only to see you naked, clean, wrapped in a towel and clutching your leaf. You were in Dad’s arms and he reported, “We got one clean baby here…and one very clean Maple leaf.”
This morning I got up early. There was a chill in the kitchen. On the table was the tiny pumpkin Dad bought for me and the bowl full of this season’s Honey Crisp apples. Scattered at my feet were leaves of various shapes and colors. For a city life it was quite the peaceful country way to start a day.
Dear Lili,
I’m still trying to get to know you. In a good way.
These days especially I am trying to wrap my head around what I need to do as your mother to make you unwind for the day. You are SO different than me when it comes to this. You fight fight fight sleep. Me? I would happily be carried around like Frida Kahlo in a canopy bed from place to place if I could. I LOVE my bed and I LOVE sleep.
Your father is very much like you. He also fights fights fights sleep. Sometimes I call him into the bedroom before his normal bedtime and he slowly opens the door as if a demon will pop out. With his head half in the crack of the door he’ll say,
E: You call me?
Me: Yes. I said come HERE I want to ask you something
E: I don’t want to go to bed
Me: I’m not ASKING you to go to bed I’m asking you to come HERE for five seconds
E: Why? Why do I have to go in…there
Me: I’m not trying to trick you to go to sleep will you just come in here already!
Dad will slowly approach the bed. Sit on the end – shoulders tense, eyes darting and plotting his escape.
You are similar in this way Lili. You want to be highly stimulated and physically active up to the very second we put you in your crib where you eventually pass out. Even the actual physical act of walking you to your crib and putting you in it involves a wide range of emotions (crying, laughing, screaming) and motions (clawing, kicking, attempting to twist out of our arms) all at once as we try to put you down. You then continue to scream and cry hysterically and freak out for an hour (sometimes more for naps) until your eye lids are so heavy – your crying so frantic – your gasps so dramatic and worthy of an Oscar – until finally you literally drop PLOP on your back. Asleep.
Here is where I come in.
This is the part about being a Mom I can’t quite be totally excited about I have to say. I am responsible for more or less reassembling out lives after we’ve spent the entire day taking them apart. For someone who spent years working in the catering industry you think I might be used to such a process by now. The assemble to the breakdown – but I am not. I still hate it. I was always best at the assemble but the late night breakdown – for example a wedding – the music has stopped and you are gathering the last of the drink glasses with floating cigarette butts – but there are chairs to fold and food plates to scrape and dirty linens to gather, etc. BONE tired and still in your tight work clothes. Like this.
As your Mom I…
gather the dirty dinner plates and bibs and sippy cups and spoons, etc. go to the sink. On the way back I drain the bathtub from our earlier bubbles, put away the tub toys, throw away the dirty diaper, put away the shampoos and the creams, hang wet towels, rinse dirty washcloths and toss today’s dirty clothes in the wash. I then head to the living room to stack the books, gather the scattered toys and place them in their bins, I put back all the couch pillows and cushions used for forts, pick up the magazine remains that have been shredded apart. I then head to the master bedroom which is a total nightmare of my crap everywhere (no time to put away my things) on top of your stuff mixed in – little hair clips, socks, baby clothes, diapers, pacifiers, etc.) I then head to the kitchen to do the dishes of the day, the million take out containers of leftovers dumped, baby food jars washed and recycled, plastic toys rinsed, etc. I then begin to think about your meals for the next day. I roast and cook and steam and blend. I pack up your lunch for tomorrow with as much care as preparing a Bento box. I refill your sippy cups. I pump milk (20 mins) and freeze it. And in the end after a long day I do my best to stay alive and conscious so by the time you Dad returns home I can hold a conversation. Appear interesting. Interested.
This is not a complaint – really. It is our reality. The amazingly positive parts about all this is as I attempted to describe in my previous post – I now have learned to appreciate and value MY time when I get it. And hey – unlike catering I can wear what I want and not be dressed in a cheap stiff tux resembling someone’s seventh grade prom date.
xo
