KDUNK

Dear Lili,

I am you mother. I watch you three days a week and work freelance two. Sometimes on the three days I sneak in work when you are sleeping but if a camera were on us when this was going down it might make for an entertaining reality show because the scene is comedy. Just comedy. Let me break it down for you.

Today a favorite client asked if I had time to send in some brainstorm ideas. I was excited. To use my brain. But today is one of the days I have you full-time. The ideas had to be in by 12noon so this is how the day went leading up to it just to give you some perspective:

-you woke up and needed to be fed, changed, burped, toys gathered, diaper & food bag packed for later

-I jumped in shower putting you in car seat in bathroom giving you a plastic bowl to play with

-got dressed by bringing car seat into bedroom where your Dad was sleeping. you began shrieking over and over again like a parrot on drugs – a new sound you have created and enjoy trying out at early hours in the morning. SHRIEK…pause….SHRIEK…pause, etc.

-half-naked I attempted to email myself my brainstorming documents should by the miracle of god you fall asleep in the stroller I could then do some work at the library on the computers there

-as I am rushing to email myself these documents you continue crazy volume ten crazy parrot noise. Somehow it is getting louder. A sound that could break glass. A sound – as Dad points out – not good for the library – sigh

-finally get you out door and downstairs but after put you in stroller and strap on all the other crap to back of stroller – food bag, diaper bag, my bag, etc. the stroller literally tips back in slow motion until your feet are in the air. I momentarily freak out but you are fine. sigh.

-get outside and realize it’s about to pour. run up flight of steps to gather your stroller rain cover. finally out door once again

-stroll at full speed to coffee shop for much needed caffeine and breakfast hoping you will fall asleep for morning nap. I pull your sunshade down completely over the stroller hoping this will help. But no. Moment I stroll into coffee shop the crazy parrot shrieking begins again but this time for an audience of non-caffeinated Brooklyn people waiting on line and wondering who is blending a dying parrot in the back

-dash out of coffee shop full of burning angry eyes – stroll quickly to library. thanks to sun shade it appears the crazy parrot is asleep in its cage

-get off elevators inside and dash to computer. furiously begin typing up brainstorm ideas switching gears as best as I can. Typing with one hand while strolling crazy parrot back and forth with the other hand

-doing best to concentrate although in cube next to me a teen is watching YOU TUBE videos with no headphones

-knowing crazy parrot only sleeps 20 minutes – at 17 minutes I begin to save my document and am forced to add a note at bottom that appears as if all of the sudden I had lost my mind or perhaps a hand and could only type in cryptic caps. note reads: NO MORE TIME. HAVE MORE IDEAS. CALL ON CELL. NOT SPELL CHECKED. FORGIVE ERRORS

-about to push send but parrot SHRIEKS -apparently up – but can’t spend one more nano second in the stroller. pick up parrot. parrot smashes both fists down on keyboard adding ZZXXV&*##$^%&^*^& somehow to various parts of my brainstorm document. Sigh. Entertain parrot with one hand by shaking a rattle with her on my lap – with other hand erase errors as best as I can. clock reads 11:59

-send the email. feel like total jerk lame-o

-All of the sudden smell something horrible – pick up parrot off lap only to find worlds largest dump ever leaking out sides of parrot pants and on to my pink skirt

-skirt and hand now covered in poop – stroll to elevators and proceed to clean her up in library bathroom

-crazy parrot in bathroom twists poop covered body in all directions as I attempt to clean her up on changing table. begins to eat strap off of public restroom changing table. I almost don’t care

-cleaned up and ready to head out but crazy parrots shrieks and flails arms and legs and we have to stroll immediately over to the children’s books section of library where there are tiny chairs and do a feeding. perhaps I can just live here – at the library. At least there is AC

-We finally go home

THE END