KDUNK

Today we – my friend Amy, Lili and I went to a pit of hell otherwise known as our storage unit off of Atlantic Avenue in Brooklyn. Amy was coming along to help me watch Lili and hopefully to score some empty boxes for her upcoming move.

We took a car service. This is what you do in Brooklyn when you don’t have a car. You call car services that come and whisk you to and fro like you are Donald Trump with your own car and driver. It’s sort of surreal when you think of it. Going to run day to day errands while Geeves opens your door.

The storage facility is a place where I might not even take my worst enemy. It is dirty and disorganized. Things are broken there constantly – like today – the elevators bringing you to your storage unit – oh and the cart that you need to wheel your crap to and fro. The hours they are open are also horrible like  6-7:45AM on Sundays. It’s great.

Our storage bin is FULL of who knows what. Boxes and boxes of clothes and Christmas ornaments and winter clothes and papers but mostly someone’s LP collection and amps. I will not mention names. Only that they do not belong to me or Lili. Tee hee.

I went on a mission to search for my summer clothes. I was pregnant last summer so I only imagined what I might unveil – size fetus clothing that I used to wear pre-pregs when I was young and hot and tan. Ok maybe not tan. But it was worth the try. Everything in my dresser currently is maternity wear still and it is totally embarrassing! Agh. I need a makeover. Tim Gunn and Veronica Webb to come to my house and tear it all to shreds on national TV.

Lili behaved pretty well although had a few crying fits which stopped immediately when I gave her the piece of paper with our storage bin code on it which she put in her mouth and I pretended I didn’t see. When I wasn’t looking she was sucking on the dirty string that you pull down the storage gate with (great). As Amy said after we looked at Lili with a long pause,

A: Lil…I don’t how you managed to find the dirtiest item in all of Brooklyn to suck on…but you did.

When I got home I weeded through the clothes and they mostly brought back tons of memories of early dating years with my husband. Sniff sniff. Sometimes I miss the two of us – just us. No offense to my beautiful, amazing and wonderful daughter. As I pulled out the clothing items I could recall photos of me wearing the various clothes when I was the center of my husband’s photographic eye. A tank top I wore in Mexico taken in a cake shop. A shirt I wore on the top of a hill at The Storm King Arts Center. A skirt I wore in in the park one sunny day when figuring out where to get our next beer was our only concern.

There was another box that snuck in somehow that contained a few items from my summer maternity wear. Woah. I forgot how big I was and I put some of the things on to remember how it felt. I also became very sentimental. Remembering the feeling of ‘the unknown’and not sure if we were going to have a boy or girl or when exactly they would come. Each piece of clothing I pulled out reminded me of when the baby first kicked or the feeling of my husband’s hand on my stomach.

In the past I’ve never been good with unknowns. Never had the natural ability to ‘go with the flow’. My mind, my body – everything in my soul resists it until I drain myself to exhaustion trying to control it. As a mother I think this has been my hardest struggle with motherhood. I mean…do the math. 100% of motherhood is about the kid, the baby, these small beings calling the shots – anytime, anyplace, anywhere. None of it is predictable and the small hairs of it that are come as a giant relief. I’m learning.

When I was pregnant a good friend of mine sent me a list of things you need and things you don’t. It was so helpful and I since have been trying to compose my own similar document for expectant Mom friends. The document is full of spelling errors I’m sure but here is the work in progress.

Hope it helps:

babydoc

Here is a list of things you are doing as of late before I forget:

-Putting your own foot in your mouth – literally

-Rolling over all the time on to your stomach and holding your head up high to laugh and look at us

-Wanting to hold the bar of the umbrella when it rains. If in your stroller and I stand above you – you reach your hand out and grunt and complain until I lift you up to do so

-Love going on the swings at the park and smile and coo at the other kids. Love to suck on dirty germ infested swing when I am not looking.

-Staying up later and going to bed at 8:30 not 7:30. I think it is because you like Top Chef and American Idol like Mom does

-Outgrowing your bath in the sink – legs literally dangling off the sides – time for the big tub!

-Shorter naps -20 to 30 mins each only 3 times or maybe 4 a day. Basically this has resulted in our home looking like a hell hole and me never getting back to anyone via email or phone

-Water bottle obsession – LOVE to drink from them and reaching for the water bottles of total strangers

-LOVE drinking cold water from a cup. But just a few sips

-Can’t sit still EVER. Squirming and kicking and bending and rolling and flailing arms around. Our net trip to Mexico should be fun.

-LOVE the computer – obsessed and much touch it at all times. You literally put your hands on the keys and stare at the screen like you are helping your Dad do some Rails programming.

-Laugh when we laugh. Perhaps the best part of all.

Dear Lili,

It’s possible I may have found you the world’s most amazing babysitter otherwise known as Super Nanny. Before I get way too excited we will have to do a trial run but so far things are looking up. We start on Thursday.

Lets just say Lili that our 24/7 liefstyle together is not what I envisioned for us as the best balance for mother and baby. Mama – in order to be the best mother to you – needs a break occasionally. To write. To exercise. To read a book. To see your Dad. Having been sans babysitter for a few weeks now has not allowed this balance and I’m hoping and thinking better times are ahead.

Super Nanny is from Puebla, Mexico. She asked on the interview if it was ok to teach you Spanish – um…YES. (Then you can teach me) Super Nanny also didn’t flinch when you began to cry and stroked your little leg and comforted you. When I spoke of my bottle panic – the fact that you never take a bottle – so that whomever is watching you has to return from wherever they are every two hours – she didn’t blink an eye saying it would be no problem and we’d figure it out. She also asked if you suck on that pacifier all the time and would it be ok to teach you not to need it because she didn’t think it was good. I felt like crying with joy. Help has arrived.

Super Nanny will be watching you and the world’s most adorable almost three-year-old girl together two days a week. I met the little girl. She and Super Nanny wandered over one rainy Monday wearing polka dot and multi-colored striped rain boots. I watched them out the window as they held hands smiling under their oversized rain jacket hoods. Despite the rain – Super Nanny let the little girl stop to splash her boot in a puddle and didn’t rush her.

Lili, I like the idea of you being watched in an older sibling type setting and not only one on one. You get plenty of that from me and Dad and it is important to learn – all of us – that we are not the center of everyone’s adoring attention at all times.

Last week Super Nanny called and invited us over to the fiesta that was being thrown in the park across from our house for her friend a fellow nanny. We wandered over and despite being a little shy at first were welcomed immediately. The scene was several nannies with kids of all ages sitting on their laps or packed tightly to their sides. Super Nanny told me about this group of women – older women, younger women from Guatemala and Mexico – her friends – that get together in the park every day for lunch or go to the different kids houses and cook for the kids. On rainy days there is a Spanish music class they run for kids in the park for free. These women are always together and more or less watching these kids in a little group which I love.

I was offered some sheet cake and food on bright colored paper plates. Everyone was speaking Spanish and laughing and having a good time. There was not a word of English being spoken and the kids at their sides politely said ‘gracias’and ‘por favor’when asking or receiving things.

Lili – you amazed me. For the first few minutes you were fine on Super Nanny’s lap and then your bottom lip quivered and you were about to cry. Within seconds about four of the different women noticed and immediately and warmly reached out to you asking, “Qué Pasa Lili?” stroking your little leg or hair until you stopped. After that – I am not lying when I say that you sat contently on Super Nanny’s lap for close to thirty minutes as she cut cake and helped feed another kid. This sounds normal to any other parent but to me it was huge. This was one of the things that has been so hard about putting you down for five minutes or handing you over to someone else. But your big blue eyes took in the new faces and sounds and you never looked happier.

A few minutes later one woman pointed at you Lili and said something funny and everyone laughed. Super Nanny turned to me and said, “They are saying that now Lili is one of us and soon she’ll be saying ‘Adios Mommy. Hasta Pronto.”

I call this one THE BEAST:

Today we attended a wedding shower for my cousin’s bride. It was at a fancy Westchester Yacht Club. A normally 45 minute trip took 3hrs to get there. My poor parents were in the car since 9AM. When we arrived the presents were opened in a flash and then it was time to go home. I felt like crying.

In the car Lili was STARVING. Thinking the trip would only take 45mins I attempted to time the feed. I brought a bottle ‘just in case’. Lili takes a bottle every…oh…I don’t know…month or so. She is five months old. You do the math. SHE HATES IT. I had to pull a Britney Spears and take her out of her car seat to feed her since she refused the bottle. Granted we were literally stuck and not moving in bumper to bumper traffic. But I still felt horrible. Not to mention the fact I was wearing a dress (DUH) that couldn’t be unzipped in order to feed unless I literally removed the entire dress over my head and off my body. In desperation I zipped down the side of the dress and smashed my boob through a tiny hole like I was having a GD mammogram just to get the job done. Kill me now.

When we arrived I had to change THE BEAST into her party dress. She was covered in white vomit so I removed those clothes and threw her in this dress. She was crying and squirming and giving people the evil eye the entire time. Usually my Mom the eternal optimist said, You’re right – she is a beast! And by this we meant her amount of insane energy – never ever wanting to sit still, kicking and screaming and twisting her body, putting her down she wants up, taking her up she wants down, etc. When I would pick her up the stroller would fall back due to the weight of items in the diaper bag and everything would spill out on the ground. This happened 10 times.

I missed the entire 15-20 minutes we were at the shower because I was in the bathroom feeding THE BEAST. When we came out the bride to be was surrounded in torn wrapping paper and people were heading home.

Finally when everyone left I put Lili on the floor to flail around and roll and kick and make her nice new spitting sound which sounds like a cross between a gag and a raspberry. We left her do this for 15minutes to get out her energy before getting back in the car for an hour plus ride home where she slept the entire way making her usual bedtime hour extended to later because she was finally well rested.

Welcome to parenthood.

The End

Um…ok. I just put Lili down for a nap. when I left the room she was…

-in a full swaddle – blanket tightly wrapped around her arms to sides inside blanket
-pacifier in mouth
-legs under mobile and head to left of this photo
-teddy bear was leaning against mobile propped up on crib and not in crib

within 5 minutes of leaving room i hear her in the monitor grunting and babbling and I go in to see her and she is…

-totally out of her swaddle
-pacifier gone and spit out of mouth
-teddy bear in the bed and face down
-in a complete 360 from how i put her down this time her legs where her head was

???

At this rate this kid is ready for her own magic show in Vegas

Hey Lils,

Thanks for chilling out the last two weeks as I attempted to actually cook dinner more -shocking I know. You were world’s greatest baby. You sat in your car seat on the floor while I rushed about the kitchen chopping this, blending that, etc. I talked to you the entire time like a complete mad woman in hopes that you would keep quiet. It was as if I had my own cooking show as I spoke to you like,

And now I’m going to take 1/2 cup of flour and mix it in…stir it but not too hard…

I can’t say you seemed totally thrilled to be sitting there the entire time. In fact your face looked like someone who thought they scored tickets to see Bobby Flay and instead got stuck with Paula Dean.

Regardless I appreciated your patience.

I’ve never been a good cook I have to say but I am looking forward to making your food starting next month. After all it will be my kind of cooking – blending a bunch of crap together and serving it. Just my style.

I have 25lbs of baby fat to lose still. This sucks.

I’ve been pretty skinny-ish most of my life and 25lbs seems insane. I’ve never had to lose that much weight before. Like I need to apply as a contestant on that show ‘The Biggest Loser’or something where I’ll be sequestered in some spooky small town in America for endless work outs. You know – the kind of show where if I win a challenge I can visit Eliot and Lilian back here in Brooklyn for a day and we can have a crying embrace in the ‘Please Wait To Be Seated’area of a TGIF’s. The camera can then zoom in on me ordering a salad with oil & vinegar and not my normal ‘Ranch dressing’with ‘bacon bits’and then after another teary embrace it’s back to training for me. Oh yes.

I don’t mean to sound selfish for those that have struggled with weight issues their entire life. For me however – for my body type – this just happens to be a hefty personal challenge from what I am used to.

For the last two weeks I’ve been without a nanny since we had to let ours go. Instead I turned to cooking to fill the time which I have to say hasn’t helped the waistline. I’ve made everything from heavy cream and cheese quiches to five alarm Indian curry. Let’s just say dude…time to give it a rest.

I desperately needed a break today and asked the old nanny if she was free to babysit for the day (we remained on good terms). She came over bright and early. The doorbell rang. Lili and I greeted her downstairs and as we opened the door she pulled her head back astonished saying in a thick Trinidadian accent, “Wow! You’re so FAT! What happened?”

Thanks. Way to start the day. Luckily Lili literally burst into tears at the mere site of the woman (cause of nanny change) and wouldn’t stop hysterically screaming for the next 15 minutes/entire day. I silently considered it payback for her comment. But I still went up and changed my shirt anyway.

Later in the day I ran an errand. The nanny spotted me from across the street and called me on her cell phone, “Man you is soooo FAT! I sees you comin’here cross the street lookin’SO THICK and I say to myself is that her? NO WAY!”

I paused. Ok…honestly. I said, “Well…if I had more time to myself maybe I could work out.” She nodded. After she said this I pretended I didn’t care but I went home and changed my shirt. Again.

Even later in the day we had two more lovely exchanges. One was when I was explaining to her when to put Lili down for a lap and noticed she wasn’t listening and was instead focusing on my temples.

Me: What are you looking at?

Her: Oh…I see you have the grey hairs.

And lastly – while sitting on a bench after joining Lili and her briefly in the park on my way to run an errand we were soaking up the sun and enjoying people watching for a moment when she said breaking the silence,

“Tell me…I need to make my legs thicker…more fat. How do you do it?”

Babies can be dumb. But hey – nobody cares because they are just so darn cute.

Here is the evidence:

• despite sucking on a pacifier – they will attempt furiously to shove things in their mouth such as toys, books, etc. When they can’t do this they will cry and scream and flail their arms and legs and flash you a dramatic look worthy of an Oscar and not unlike my tantrums in high school on a bad hair day as if to say, “WHY? WHY is this happening to me?????

• while nursing – babies get momentarily startled when Mom talks for like…five seconds and mid-sentence they will whip their head off the boob with milk streaming down their face totally startled and freeze there for a moment like a close up of a person in a horror film complete with bottom quivering lip and then seconds later crack a smile and look up at you breathing a sigh of relief like, “Oh phew…dude…you totally scared me…what are you doing here?”

• they learn how to take the pacifier out of their mouth and start to cry. you put it back in. they take the pacifier out and start to cry. you put it back in. (repeat this fifty seven thousand times per day)

• they talk to a coat rack – like it’s a total BFF. you watch as they laugh awkwardly and babble to the coat rack. they flap their arms at their sides like a dolphin. you feel embarrassed for them somehow as if you just witnessed the biggest nerd in school trying to make friends with the jaded teen smokers.

• when hungry – they will turn their head to the side as if a milky tit will magically appear from the sky – which it often does – but still. they will do this to a pillow, a blanket, a magazine, a friend of yours and sometimes embarrassingly enough to someone like oh…I don’t know… your Dad – their grandfather which causes everyone to have that conversation no one hopes to have, “oh ha ha – we know what she wants!” (blush)

If there is one thing I STILL can NOT get used to about being a Mom it is the fact that I am vomited on over eight times a day. For those of you without kids let me really break it down for you.

The vomit I am talking about is white, stringy, chunky mucus clumps that smell like rotten milk. When the barf comes a flowin’it is literally like someone has poured a half gallon of rotten half and half mixed with rotten cottage cheese chunks over your neck and chest and hair and shirt and pants and hands, etc. Sometimes this happens in public which is fun.

Take today for example. I had Lili in the Bjorn and she was facing outwards. Everyone was staring at her in the store and because I’m her proud Mom I thought it was because she is just so darn cute. When we got home I looked in the mirror with her still strapped in and much to my horror I see her covered in white vomit from head to toe. She had spread it all over her face with her hands while I was shopping and didn’t know it. She looked like she had just participated in a white vomit pie eating contest. And let me tell you…she was the winner.

Babies are like old college buddies. The kind that hang out with you all day…drinking (milk) in the sun. Then on your walk home back to the dorm (apartment) they are all…clinging to your neck and more or less like, “I love you man!” (goo goo ga ga) only to seconds later spew up on you in a total vomit bath of hell.

Lili – barfing all over Mama may be gross but despite it all – I still love you man.