KDUNK

Dear Lili,

Today was your first day of Practically Preschool. It is a program here in Brooklyn at a local playspace where they host a class for toddlers to get them ready for real preschool. Oh my gosh. What a trip it was.

We spent the morning prepping you about where you were going. We read a little book about Penelope a bear that goes to school. I changed your outfit like 15 times for some reason. I packed your backpack of snacks and you added two items of your own – a broken cell phone and a washcloth. We were off!

We we arrived I think the kids were picking up on the nervous energy of the mothers in the room because there was lots of clinging and crying and NO! and various other toddler outbursts. But soon the teacher Lauren took control and quickly got your attention with a combo of stories, music, snacks, art projects, etc.

Here are some of your highlights in bullet form:

• The minute we walked in the room you said MAS SNACK (more snack in Spanish) MAS SNACK MAS SNACK for the entire 45 minute duration of class (despite the 15 min snack time) and despite the fact you ate a huge breakfast

• There is a boy named Nicolas in your class which BLEW your mind since every night we read a book about a bunny named Nicolas and you literally looked around the room like dude…where is this guy…each time his name was mentioned

• You sat quietly and properly at the table like a big girl. I give myself big props for getting that cheap-o IKEA kids table and chairs a while ago because we’ve been practicing for a while with you and so far so good!

• You asked for 45 helpings from the very patient teacher of water in your tiny paper cup which you dramatically guzzled like I’ve never given you a cup of water in your entire life

• You made a self portrait on a paper plate – middle one

Overall a great experience. It was amusing to watch each toddler in the room with their various ‘isms’ including you. You were snack and water obsessed. Another kid couldn’t stop crying because the teacher wouldn’t sing the song that came after Wheels On The Bus on their cd at home. Another kid melted down during the part where the teacher said to whisper because he thought it meant it was nap time. Another literally clung to his mother’s leg when she made a single move thinking she was going to leave the room.

Kids are so honest and true and hilarious. It was a great lesson for all the Moms in the room who have spent the last twenty plus months devoting ourselves to knowing the ins and outs of our wacky little kids and all their likes and dislikes. The bottom line was hey – here we are – lets celebrate our accomplishment of making it here! And you know what? They’re fine.  We are growing up. All of us.

I only fought back tears once during the end song of ‘You Are My Sunshine’. As I held you on my lap my big girl – at practically preschool – I knew it was time to hold tight and at the same time – start to let go.

xo

Dear Lil,

You are now 21 months – aka the age I can no longer count in months without sounding crazy. In other words – you will be 2 in December. Seems hard to believe.

You are such a little fun buddy to be around lately. You literally crack us up and we crack you up and we are one big pain in sides laughing family. The rest of the time we want to kill each other in our small overcrowded apartment but you know. You can’t have it all.

Right now we are in Maine on a family vacation. It is cold here! But then again your Dad thinks I am being a wimp. I didn’t grow up in New Hampshire so what can I say. For a nap just now I dressed you in a long sleeve onsie, tights, footed fuzzy long-sleeved pjs and leg warmers on top of that. I also put about three blankets in your travel crib. As we know I tend to over due it with the layers so forgive me.

We’ve had a great time here so far and despite you acting like a bored teen the first day but you are starting to adjust. You were so excited to tell me after a walk with Dad about seeing an eagle that you came running up the driveway screaming EAGLE! EAGLE! EAGLE!. You were also excited to report back to Dad that we say a chipmunk on our walk about. You also told Dad the chipmunk was eating a muffin (?) – which was a lie – but that was ok it made up laugh out loud anyway.

Some things you love doing as of late include going through a list of everyone you know before bed. We do this every night and as you might imagine as a Brooklyn kid on a large playground – you know a lot of people. Usually we do it in pairs – matching the kid with their parent or caregiver. You start and I match like this -

You: Charlie

Me: Roz

You: Cheryl

Me: Sylas

etc.

Then right before bed you yell DAY! DAY! and we have to – in the dark – go through our entire day (in order) starting with what we had for breakfast until we went to bed. This routine I love because it helps both you and I wind down from our busy day by reflecting on everything we’ve done. The best is you now chime in with random things that I have to figure out. For example you might say “cello! cello!” and I think long and hard until I remember that’s right. We stopped to talk to our neighbor Nina who was carrying a cello.

Speaking of – you are obsessed with the cello right now. We’ve played you a few Yo Yo Ma (as you call Yo Ma Ma) and you like to imitate his head movements when he plays and then play with a pretend bow. I’m wondering how young I can start you in playing an instrument and hope you keep interested. It would be amazing. The other day our neighbor Nina that tours around the world in a famous musical trio invited us over for a real live viewing of a cello being played. You stood there dumbfounded. Literally frozen as you watched Nina play right in front of your very eyes.

We love you.

Yes I cutting this short. I am starving and need to make lunch.

xo

Lili,

The other day it was one thousand degrees with one thousand percent humidity and we wandered around Brooklyn going from AC venue to AC venue dying of sweat.

On one of our stops we went to a children’s clothing store having a big sale. I was poking through the racks and you more or less were running around destroying the place. After a while I noticed you out of the corner of my eye looking through the rack like the other women in the place.

You grabbed a hanger with a pretty party dress on it and ran over to me. In a perfect valley girl tone you held the dress up to my face and said with an excited expression,

“UGH!! LOVE it…”

You cracked up the entire store and I sooo needed that belly laugh. Thank you.

xo

Dear Lili:

Here is a list of things you like/don’t like:

LIKE

car keys – sticking them in tiny holes all over the apartment, sticking a finger in each nostril as well as crayons (i don’t like), popsicles, lollipops, pacifier, Snowy your stuffed animal dog – from Tin Tin, hats, every night before bed you want me to replay the day literally from moment you got up until you went to bed and if i forget one item your scream ‘PARK!!!’ or ‘UMBRELLA’ and then i have to say something like, ‘ok sorry – yes – we carried an umbrella, play talking on the cell phone, you love plastic cups – stacking them – carrying them around – putting things in them, pouring water from cup to cup, climbing – on everything in the universe especially things that wobble and are totally dangerous, going through the recycling, standing in front of an open fridge and saying, “Hmmnn…” as if you are deciding what to eat, seeing pals in the park that you know – you get so excited it’s like a college reunion even though we see these people mostly every day, pizza, smoothies, quiche, fruit of all kinds except mango, dancing, music, like taking the little hidden key near our doorway and handing it to me each and every time we go in the door, like to rip off the stick on doorbell we put up by our mailboxes, car rides, train rides, bus rides, etc., hiding behind curtains, putting on shoes, love playing with blankets and pillows, water play or any kind, sunglasses, bubbles, carrying around a piece of cloth of some sort – dress or washcloth, play dough, feeding the fish – standing on kitchen chair and dropping food in bowl accept you always want to give more

DON’T LIKE

Hands dirty – if tiny grain of sand on your finger you say, “Dirty. Wash it.” Don’t like food unless it is cut into invisible morsels and say, “Cut it! Cut it!”, the transition from play to bed time (who can blame you really), veggies but will eat spinach, HATE meat – STILL! in any form, hidden or not hidden, etc., hate beans but will eat white fish if mixed in with rice, sleeping or cuddling in our bed – HATE IT ALWAYS HAVE, blowing on things that are ‘hot’, when I take your umbrella away and put it back in the stand, being in the stroller too long, the vaccuum – you are afraid of very few things but literally run and cling to my leg when you see it come out of closet and god forbid – don’t worry though – that doesn’t happen often.

xo

Dear Lili:

Last night Dad and I were in bed. It was super late at night and we were talking in the dark. We were laughing because we had a little flashback of the day you were born and how that night the nurses wheeled you down the hall to the nursery so we could get a good night’s rest.

Until…knock knock knock.

It was the night nurse. We heard the familiar squeak of wheels from the little bassinet cart they had you on and that oh so soon to be familiar scream from our baby not even 24hrs old.

Nurse: Sorry to bother you. But she…she doesn’t like it in there.

Us: Where?

Nurse: The nursery. Where we usually bring all the other newborns.

Us: Why not?

Nurse: Not sure. Maybe gas? Wants more milk? Not sure.

Us: Maybe the other babies are keeping her up?

Nurse: No. There are no other babies in the nursery at this time.

Flash forward: Lili. From the DAY you were born until now you HATE HATE HATE to be where the action ‘isn’t’. An empty playground, at home alone with us, a cabin in the middle of nowhere, etc. You need and crave and love stimulation at all times. This is who you are and how you have always been. We can laugh now only because we know.

xo

Dear Lili,

Sorry to fall behind a little on the old digital baby book over here. I promise to make up for it soon. I just accepted some intense amount of freelance work for the month of August and September which meant canceling two pre-planned annual family vacations. So bummed But yet I’m so grateful and excited for the work and look forward to celebrating with you and Dad when it is completed and finished.

In other news…

You are 20 months. You are the age where I can’t say your age in months anymore without sounding like those crazy parents that say ‘45 months’ when asked the age of their child. Let’s just say you will be 2 in December and boy is that mind blowing.

Also mind blowing is your ability right when you wake up and right before you go to sleep to totally have a burst of language like never before. I can’t tell you how crazy it is to go into your room in the morning and have you say, “Morning Mama! Food. Breakfast. Waffles? Ok.” and then tonight before bed a similar deal.

Before bed tonight I brought out a book we’ve had forever called “First 100 Words” and it is a picture dictionary – of words. Every time I read it you show mild interest or play with your toys when I am reading it. But tonight you opened the book while on your belly and flipped the pages like a pro and with your little hand you pointed to images and said almost in a bored tone like ‘whatever’:

hairbrush fish baby towel pillow lamp book

(flip page)

tomato strawberry orange grape apple broccoli banana cheese

No pauses. No breaks. No breaths. As I said. One word after another in almost a deep sigh tone.

Ok. First of all. You’ve never had a piece of broccoli in your life despite our attempts to repeatedly give it to you. How on earth did you know broccoli much less say it clear as day?

The only way I can describe the tremendous amounts of leaps and rewarding bounds parenthood has to offer parents is imagine this… imagine one night your partner of several years just came into the living room and started ….oh I don’t know… playing the accordion out of nowhere – huge long complicated songs – and you are there on the couch having a glass of wine and turn your head their way STUNNED like, “OH MY GOD! I had no idea you could play the accordion?!!!” That is what it is like as a parent. The constant surprises. They keep our life fresh and interesting. Full of suspense.

What waits for us around the corner now?

You pointed to the faucet in the bathtub and said ‘water…comes’

Dear Lili,

For some reason you have fallen in love with the world’s most boring animated television show on planet earth – Bob The Builder. It pains me to watch (no offense to the creators) the few episodes I’ve seen. None of which are on actual TV any more and instead are found on You Tube as far as I know.

Here is a little taste of the excitement from the show synopsis:

“Bob The Builder follows the adventures of Bob and his lovable gang of friends and machines ­ Scoop (a scooper), Muck (a dump truck), Lofty (a crane), Dizzy (a cement mixer), and Roley (a steam roller) ­ as they work together to solve problems.”

Don’t feel bad. I nodded off by the second line too.

So how did you come to hear of this show? Sure ok. It’s my fault. I was in a used bookstore searching for books in Spanish seeing as we are all trying to learn. And there it was. In the ‘take this book no one wants it’ 25 cents pile. When is the last time you bought something for 25 cents? That’s right. Never. And this is why.

The book was shaped like a hammer. Perfect for your little hands. A quick glance revealed some cute animation and it was off to the cashier.

When I got home you were so happy to see this book. You said, “mas mas mas” wanting me to read it over and over again. The only problem that became quite clear quite fast was this book was not written in baby Spanish not to mention – TOTALLY BORING. It was full of complicated vocabs for words I’ve never heard of in English much less Spanish – all having to do with construction and tools.

Then…I attempted to hide the book. Sure. That is mean of me but I couldn’t deal – I’m sorry. But no matter where I hid the book you found it and would come running at me clutching the book with eyes wide saying “mas mas mas” which made me cave each and every time.

Well then tonight…we were playing with Play Dough. And you had a plastic tube and stuck a long piece of clay on the end that sort of flopped off the sides. Without saying anything to you I said to myself, “Wow – that looks just like a hammer”. Two seconds later you started to sing the Bob The Builder construction theme song:

Bob bee dee doo ….Bob bee dee doo

(Bob the builder….Bob the builder)

So here you are little darling. My little construction obsessed toddler. I look forward to discussing with you some big ideas I have for our apartment. So get those tools ready.

xo

Dear Lili,

A quick post to tell you that your vocab as of late has been out of control in such a great way. As your mother, each day becomes more and more enjoyable for me as you learn to communicate your needs and thoughts. It literally is the most moving and adorable thing I have ever seen.

Some highlights:

Every time your father and I get into a car service (most – driven by men) we say the same thing each time – “Hello sir, how are you?” The other day we were coming home from a long commute back from a great weekend in Fire Island and when we stepped into the cab you beat us to the punch (all the while strapped in my Bjorn) saying, “Hello sir, how are you?” clear as day – I nearly died laughing. My little parrot.

Tonight before bed you were hungry and marched in your little footed pajamas into the kitchen. You held your hands on the fridge door and said, “Hungry. Food.” then you walked over to your highchair and said “Sit? Bib?” Then once seated you said, “Food. Mas. Agua?” And then once I fed you you said “All none (all done) and then for the first time you said “I’m finished”.

You are also doing something funny as of late which is tagging a very enthusiastic OK! to the end of your phrases and often in a very tricky, funny manner. For example I will say to you, “What do you want for breakfast?” And you will say, “Popsicle. OK!” Um – no. Or I say, “Lili, it’s time to put on your pajamas.” and you will say, “Swings? Park? OK!” Good try babe.

As a parent I can’t EVEN begin to tell you how fun and amazing this level of communication is. We have endured 19 months of crying that could be any number of things due to gas, hunger, sleep, thirst, etc. And now you tell it like it is. Way to go babe.

I love you.

xo

Dear Lili,

I am totally digging your pretend play as of late. Nothing is cooler and more inspiring to me than a kid’s imagination.

There is a lot of fake eating with fake foods and drinking from tea cups in a tin tea set. There is a lot of fake ‘night night’ involving you or your dolls laying on the rug in your room with a pillow and blanket. You are showing tiny hints of interest in dress up – wearing sunglasses and hats around. Tonight you held up a doll blanket that had a little fringe at the end and said, “Dress?” (pause) and then motioned to your pajamas, “Off?”

The best was watching you do something you’ve never done before tonight. You carefully took the pile of plastic toy animals (2 dogs and 2 leopards) and placed them carefully and slowly in a row lining them up and facing out the door of your pretend play house.

It made me laugh because it is SO your personality (and your Dad’s too). Line up the troops. Open that door. And lets go go go!

Dear Lili:

You are now 19 months old. I’m hoping 18 months was a tease to motherhood like, “Hey, didn’t that totally suck? Well guess what. It gets better.” Much like newbornhood was for us where right when I thought I was going to lose my mind you did things like roll over, giggle and be super cute. Don’t get me wrong. My love for you never fades. My patience however can get a little dim.

For whatever reason 18 months was a beast. A month of nightmare battles of will in all areas including eating, sleeping, etc. You hated your stroller. There was a lot of yelling. Throwing food. You nearly injured yourself over 8 times a day by crying, kicking, screaming and nearly rolling off your diaper changer when getting your diaper changed. You insisted on only drinking water from a plastic bottle. You hated tubs. There were a lot of fake boo boos. No interest or patience for books or stories. Many full body tantrums. 5AM wake ups. The capper was the end of the month where you insisted on holding everything in site at all times even if it was too big for you. Like when we were at Trader Joe’s and I bought a bag of tortilla chips the size of your entire body which you INSISTED I let you hold and eat from the bag our entire walk home. I considered taking side streets so as not to run into other Mom friends wondering, “What mother in her right mind lets her child hold and eat from a giant oversized bag of tortilla chips in their stroller?” Me. That’s who. Tired old me.

A friend with a newborn created the best phrase ever recently. She called her kid a ‘two person baby’. I am now stealing the phrase because it literally describes you as a baby from the moment you were born. The good news is I imagine all this will is going to be channeled into something great as your progress in life like climbing Mount Everest, sailing around the world, writing a novel, saving lives…

When I was a lazy student teen in high school my poor mother was at wits end and finally ordered a video series off the internet that she forced me to watch called, “Where There’s A Will…There’s An A!”

Babe? We will not be ordering this series. Why? Because you already have your will. And I give it an A.

xo

Dear Lili,

Tonight you read us Good Night Moon. This is a special book that your father and you read together almost every night. Your version was a slightly abbreviated version. But it was still adorable. It went something like this:

Neck-ooo (thank you) as you handed over your pacifier and Snowy from Tin Tin stuffed animal dog. And then you began.

(opens book)

Shhhhh (with finger on nose for old lady whispering hush)

Hot (pointing to fireplace in book followed by blowing puffs to cool off something that is hot)

Mush

Socks

Sit (old lady sitting in rocking chair)

Kee-ah (kittens)

Nee En (The End)

*Side note – your Dad also taught you the word raccoon this weekend

Dear Lili,

Recently you and I headed over to a friend’s place to keep her company while her husband headed back to work and she was home with their newborn baby. Back in the early days of motherhood I always enjoyed visits from friends especially in the early months. Then I remembered after the fact that those friends never brought their rambunctious toddlers. And here is why…

When we arrived my new Mom friend was nursing quietly and peacefully with the lights low and a nice movie on. We barged in and Lili you proceeded to run around the apartment like a mad woman which as a curious toddler-  I should have expected. Then the following went down (not necessarily in this order):

-you ate and spilled messy snacks all over their nice couch

-you fell off a chair and started screaming  and crying which made the newborn scream

-you TP’d the bathroom when I was not looking

-you dug your dirty hands in my friend’s fancy lip gloss (sorry – super gross)

-you ran around in their backyard and got wet from rain and then managed to get covered in mud

and then for the pièce de résistance you opened a bottle of fancy baby oil and poured it all over their chair and ottoman in their perfectly decorated nursery.

I do have to thank you though Lili. After this incident you gave me a fantastic business idea. It would be a service to new Moms feeling down and out about their current newbornhood – the lack of sleep. the endless crying, etc. You and I Lili would be hired to come over and spend oh…half and hour to three hours letting you destroy their house and make their lives utter hell.

Magically they would feel cured. Lils, what do you think?

Dear Lili,

When we moved into this old brownstone apartment the first thing I noticed was the gigantic mulberry tree outside. Each summer it bears tremendous amounts of fruit which litter the front small garden and also the popular sidewalk outside. Each spring/summer kids literally hang from the branches to reach the ripest fruit. Men and women in business suits to and from their way home from the subway sneak in a few handfuls of mulberries for themselves. For city living it is a wonderful and amazing summer image. I love it.

Usually around this time of year I feel guilty about not having more green for you (and me) to run around in on the hottest of days. Instead we find clever ways to bring you the summer we more or less grew up with – running through sprinklers (in the public park), picking dandelions (at the zoo) and splashing around in a kiddie pool – even if it means running buckets of water up and down several flights of stairs until we fill it up.

The mulberry tree has been a great addition to our summer traditions. Each time we pass the tree you say, “BERRIS” and point frantically. Then you saying, “HELPING?” meaning you want to help me pick them on your own and not have them fed to you. We stand and eat for a few minutes. Your mouth and hands are stained in black juice as well as many of your clothes which I am trying to be less and less uptight about. The utter joy on your face as we do this makes us so happy and also puts a smile on the faces of people passing us by.

We love you.

xo

Dear Lili,

For several weeks now I’ve had to bring the stroller to a screeching halt the minute we come across one of those Maneki Neko waving/beckoning cats found in many storefront windows thought to bring the owners good luck. The cat is more or less frozen still in expression and one arm waves up and down in a perfectly timed beat.

Each time we pass one you literally scream ‘KEY-AH!’ (Kitty) and then I physically have to remove you from your stroller so that you can press your face against the glass of the storefront and smudge your grimy hands around in total excitement waving back.

One particular store on our way home seemed to really get your attention. It featured a gold cat with a necklace and waving arm. Sadly the owner has since removed it from the window most likely due to the slug like tracks of toddler snot left behind in its wake.

The good news is your Dad is AMAZING. He scored you your very own KEY-AH from Chinatown. The look on your face when you woke up in the morning and saw it sitting on your table waving  – was priceless. You pointed and laughed nervously. You looked back at us fifty times like ‘guys – can you believe this?’ and then you could not stop hugging it and carrying it around despite it’s fifty pound weight. Each time you walk in the room you say ‘Hi KEY-AH!’ and when you leave the room ‘Bye KEY-AH!’. Pretty funny and cute.

Had I done my research prior to I would have perhaps suggested to Dad we get the Maneki Neko with a raised right paw (attracts money) but for now – I’m down with the raised left paw. I could always use more customers.

Dear Lilian,

You know…I read about phases toddlers go through in various books but I never really think it will apply to you. Why? Because aside from kicking my butt on a regular basis – in general you are a pretty good kid.

But woah. The last week has been the exception. We are in a full blown 18 month separation anxiety phase that I not only felt unprepared for but currently feel exhausted by.

Here is what the pros say:

Many children go through a second phase of separation anxiety around 18 months of age that eases as communication skills improve. Symptoms of normal separation anxiety include increasing unease and crying when separated from you or when you show signs of leaving. He or she may also exhibit whining, clinginess or insistence on physical contact with you, shyness, unusual silence, and an unwillingness to interact with others, even if they are familiar.

This is you on the button Lili. You are physically clinging to my legs as I walk from room to room and when I take you to the park you will not go more than two inches from me to run to the slides or show interest in the swings. It’s so ‘not you’. When the normal Mom friends we run into in the park say hello to you you scowl back. I could almost deal if this were the only symptom but every day this week you literally say, “Mommy, mommy, mommy” every five seconds and whine whine whine for most the day even though I’m a few short inches from you. Your regular three days a week babysitter is currently on maternity leave so I guess this could have something to do with it – going from being away from me since you were a small baby three days a week to now 24/7 together. But….yikes.

Here is what I’ve read to help the situation:

What to Do?

The root cause of separation anxiety is your child’s inability to understand that you will return at some point after you leave, so teaching your child this concept will help him get over separation anxiety more quickly. Games such as peek-a-boo and “where’s the baby?” are helpful in demonstrating this idea.

You can also practice trial separations with your baby. Tell him that you will be going into another room and that you’ll be back soon. Repeat the assurances as you leave and talk to him from the other room to demonstrate that you still exist, even though he cannot see you. After a few moments, come back in the room. Gradually increase the length of these practice separations and he will eventually learn that it’s okay if you are gone for a little while and that you’ll always return.

When you do leave your baby, don’t sneak away when he isn’t looking; this will frighten and confuse him and will only exacerbate his feeling of abandonment. Instead, make your good-byes short and sweet when you leave. Tell your baby you love him, give him a kiss, say good-bye and tell him that you’ll be back soon and then leave. Resist the temptation to return if he begins crying – this will only make it more difficult and develop bad habits.

This is also not the time to try out a new babysitter, so if possible, choose a caregiver that your child knows well. However, if you do have to use an unfamiliar sitter, have him or her spend extra time getting to know your baby before you leave and make sure your child is comfortable with the individual before you say good-bye.

Comments/suggestions from any experienced parents that have already gone through this welcome!

Because I don’t live in suburbia my stroller is my car.

Most Moms I run into during the day are in a similar situation. We are out all morning or afternoon without the luxury of going home for pit stops so we have to carry everything we might possibly need for any situation possible. Rain. Sun. Mosquitos. Thirst. Hunger. Snacks. Fevers. Colds. Puke. Poop. Pee. Play.

I admit I take this too far. If someone asked for a small kitten it’s possible I’d have one stuffed somewhere in the bowels of my stroller.

Today’s stroller was a bad one. It was about 3,000 degrees out of nowhere. I was overdressed, sweating and wearing hot dark jeans. Lilian was screaming her guts out and we were about a 20 minute walk from my house. Pushing the stroller felt like I was a sherpa in Nepal lugging thousands of pounds uphill.

Here were the contents of today’s stroller on our walk home:

Rain shield, umbrella, light jacket, sweater, two pacifiers, (3) dishtowels (a present), 2 sponges, container of sliced grapes, toy phone, a mango smoothie, bib, sugar-free lollipop, sun shade, sun hat, sunglasses, 2 containers of raspberries, 1 container of blueberries, 2 boxes of fruit crushers, gym pass, long sleeve shirt, 1 pair of pants, 3 diapers, diaper pad, box of wipes, a friend’s diaper kit left at my house, 1 toy zebra, 1 baby doll, 1 child’s purse, 2 packs of mini tissues, a package of goldfish crackers, 1 pair of pants to return, a spoon, drawing pad and several pens, box of chalk, allergy medicine, wallet, 3 containers of hummus, 2 kinds of hand sanitizer, soccer ball, a bib, cell phone, camera, rain jacket, bean salad, beet salad, snap peas, pita bread, bagels, butter, tortilla chips, mango and some crumpets.

I need a nap.

Dear Lilian,

Recently you’ve had such a growth explosion. In height and weight (I hope) – but mostly words. Today you said ‘back on’ regarding a toy that was missing it’s part and also ‘lemon sour’ after sucking on a lemon.

A very nice part of today was when we were walking down our block and you pointed out all your little word associations with the various shops on our Brooklyn block that we pass each day. Sometimes when you are in your stroller melting down and I am rushing to get you home we whiz past these places and it almost calms you down knowing we are close to home.

Without a beat you say:

Meow Meow: for storefront that has a waving kitty statue in window for good luck

Cookies: another deli we once went to and bought animal crackers

Dada glasses: eye glass shop

Wow Lights: liquor store that still displays Christmas lights in window

Hiiiiiiiii baby: laundry mat where the nice women always greet you in this way

Flowers: flower pots outside the Italian restaurant

Crackers: the other deli where I sometimes buy you goldfish crackers

Brella: a store that sells umbrellas and other gear

Bagel: Bagel shop

Bye Bye Daddy: the subway entrance to the F and G train

Ohhh lights: the colored lights hanging from the corner bar

Turn the corner. And then we are home.

Dear Lili,

I love you babe – but you are a major slob. Half eaten pretzel sticks soggy and gross at the bottom of my purse. Spilled strawberry milk on our rug. Sticky applesauce on our blankets. Toothpaste smeared on our shower curtain. Pizza stained wall streaks near your tiny table and chairs where you eat in our living room. Splattered hummus here and there. Despite making you sit still while eating accept for occasional snacks in your room – I can’t figure out for the life of me how it happens.

And last night after a long long day of picking up after you  – toys strewn about like a plastic explosion – I watched the final straw as you….

held a tiny bag of 10 cheddar bunny shaped crackers in your hand

proceeded to drop them accidentally and everywhere as you ran across your room in innocent glee for a toy

and as you ran back towards me again – despite the random nature of the dispersed crackers – you somehow managed to step…and crunch…and crush each cracker in your path (without looking or on purpose) with as much accuracy as a Dance Dance Revolution video game expert perfectly jumping on each and every lit up square.

Tired. Frazzled. Help.

xo

Dear Lili,

Your obsession with ‘necks’ aka necklaces continues. Each morning you continue to want to put them on but now you seem to really want to pile them on before bed – often over your pajamas. Just last night I had to start creating a night night ritual where we take each and every necklace off you and wish it good night in order for you to finally go to sleep. Necklace free. You are fun and adorable to be with. And we love you more and more each day.

Dear Lili,

When you grow up and your friends ask you what kind of Mom you had – lets hope you don’t recall nights like tonight while in the wine store  – exhausted, frazzled and so very tired…I pulled my wallet from my purse only to then notice the five pantiliner Maxipads stuck to it.

You know.

That kind of Mom.

xo

They chew with their mouths open

You buy nice clothes for them – not because you want to ‘change them’ – but because you think they would actually look nice in this particular item. And then they puke on it.

They never change their bedsheets

They are always digging in your wallet for money

They claw at your breasts and give you that goofy stare

You go to great lengths to make a delicious dinner and they can’t take their eyes off the TV

When you put them on the phone to say hello to your parents they can barely utter a ‘hello’

Don’t pick up after themselves leaving shoes and socks strewn about the house

They fart in the tub

They eat pretzels in your bed even though you tell them not to and you find yourself pissed and resentful throughout the night as bits of salt scratch your legs

Distracted by shiny objects

Dear Lili:

For whatever reason your father and I were WIPED TIRED by 8PM last night. We had a nice full day with friends doing a trillion million things. But by 8PM we resembled a couple of empty headed dummies totally out of our minds with exhaustion from our full week not to mention lack of sleep.

I sat you down at your mini IKEA table to feed you dinner and your father came into the room:

E: Are we going to give her a tub?

(we both stare at your dirt crusted snot stained face and black finger nails)

K: Um…nah…I think she is ok

E: Yay cool. I was thinking that too.

Five seconds passed and your father walked back into the room. I said in all seriousness:

K: Can you please run her bath?

E: (pause) Wait…I thought we just said no bath

K: Oh yeah yeah…sorry…I forgot

Five seconds later…as if we have literally never spoke of this:

E: Do you think she needs a bath?

K: Maybe….

We finally pulled our heads out of our butts and got you ready for bed.

I grabbed your dirty top and pulled it over your head – Dad pulled your mud stained pants off. The whole while you stared up at us from your changing table as we sang you a happy song feigning total enthusiasm and failing miserably.

As the song neared it’s end – your Dad handed me your dirty shirt and I handed him your dirty pants. And without missing a beat we began putting…the exact same dirty clothes… we just took off you.

One arm in and one pant leg later I stopped mid-song and turned to your father…

K: Wait…what are we doing?

E: What?

K: These are her dirty clothes we just took off?

E: They are?

I can not even begin to tell you how hard I laughed. The entire scene just seemed so absurd. Two grown adults – given a child – to raise and care for – to be clear headed and right minded in caring for and taking care of a small child. And we couldn’t even manage to put her pajamas on before bed!

All I know is I needed the laugh and apparently so did Dad. We laughed until we cried and then you chimed in Lili thinking the whole scene was hysterical. You know what? It was. We so needed that.

Warning: This is gross…

This morning I woke up to Lilian crying and covered head to toe in an extreme poop explosion. The kind where it was all over her sheets and crib and pajamas and body and hair, etc. Eliot attempted to take her pajamas off gingerly when finally we decided screw it – we ripped them off her and literally carried her under her armpits with her feet dangling and headed straight into the tub to be cleaned.

There is a lot of potty talk lately. Mostly because we are semi-potty training and trying to figure out the best methods. Our pediatrician’s philosophy is to let a child pee and poop around the house freely without a diaper until they become more or less ashamed. While this may work for some – for us – I can’t see it. I can’t.

I’ve also seen a lot of this happening around the neighborhood as of late – mini travel potties with a Ziploc bag like thing attached at the bottom:

The first time I saw this method it was a mother setting it up in broad daylight in front of the movie theater near our house while her daughter took down her pants and underwear and sat down. I was totally freaked out and called a Mom friend to ask her if we have to do this? She said no. Maybe it works but what is this teaching kids? Pee and crap whenever and wherever you want while people watch you. Maybe it works. I don’t know.

Still working on our methods. Although right now it just seems fun to spin the toilet paper roll and watch the mess.

Lili,

Some small things before I forget:

Just a minute ago you were standing in your room in pig pajamas. You picked up your mini play tin tea cup and your plastic animal zebra. You put the teacup over the zebra’s head and said, “Zeeba…Sip…Ahhhhhh” – Ahhh being the sound your father taught you (ahem) after taking a frosty drink of something. You are cute.

**

This morning at breakfast you were seated at your new mini table and chairs set from IKEA. We are trying to teach you to sit properly for meals and gearing you up for snack time at preschool. So far so good. This morning you got very frustrated though because you wanted something more to eat. But sometimes I think you forget you are able to communicate because you made almost a baby fussing sound, pounded on the table and at an ear piercing decibel yelled ‘more’ in Spanish, “MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!” several times. Finally I broke through the trance of yells and said, “Que mas Lili?” (ps – for any Spanish speakers reading this I am sorry for my lame Spanish) to which you stared at me blankly and with a long pause said clear as day…’cereal’.

**

Currently you LOVE necklaces which you call ‘necks’. Every day you want to choose one from ‘a selection’ of junk jewelry I’ve started collecting from various Brooklyn stoop sales. If you don’t like the suggestion I present you yell ‘NO NECK!!!!!’ until given another choice. Diva in the making. Sigh.

**

You are really into monsters lately. We were reading a picture book the other night that had various photos associated with letters. M was for monster and as a little prank I yelled MONSTERS!!! when we got to it and then got big eyes and in a low tone said with a shudder – ‘scary‘. Despite jumping ten feet in the air when I yelled monsters you became totally OBSESSED with monsters. You even pulled out a big book of monsters that you had ignored to date that dear friends from France gave us and wanted to go through each page with me yelling MONSTERS…giving a shudder and with big eyes saying in a low tone – ‘scary‘. You now partake when getting to that part of the book. Your eyes get big and you yell ‘MONO!!!!!!!!” and say some version of ’scary’. Then you laugh and move on.

**

THINGS YOU CURRENTLY LOVE:

Spinach. Can’t get enough. Necklaces. Watching a random mix of You Tube videos with Dad on the iphone in bed in the early morning. You tiny doll stroller with a straw purse slung on the back. Your pink bean bag. Digging with a shovel in dirt or sand. Rocks. Climbing up stairs on your own. Wearing hats. Umbrellas. Milk. Rubbing your Tin Tin stuffed animal dog Snowy on your nose – but just his ears. Talking (screaming) on the phone when I call someone and you want to say hello. Putting your dolls ‘Nigh Nigh’ with a blanket over them. Actually you do this to cell phones and other random objects too now that I think of it.

THINGS YOU CURRENTLY HATE:

Getting dressed. Getting your diaper changed. Getting in your stroller. Getting books read to you – you want to hold them (see any control issue patterns here?!) Meat. Any form – any kind – never liked it – never show signs of this changing. Don’t like it when things are closed that you can’t open but you know have the ability to open (jar with lid, etc.) Yogurt.

Oh Dear.

We’ve had our first attempt at stealing. While in the drug store last night you managed to put on a chunky fake gold necklace in your stroller while I wasn’t looking. We had left the store and were far on our way home by the time I noticed. I will have to go back today and pay for it. I’m sure they won’t mind. Or I might go to jail. Either one. The best is you INSISTED on wearing it but I INSISTED you keep the tag on until it is returned or paid for. So you rocked the necklace with tag still on look most the day. You are a modern day Minnie Pearl.

Dear Lili,

Sometimes little thoughts pop up in my head such as tonight when I stare at you and think – how on earth did this little tiny thing grow in me and is now running around wearing beads and jelly shoes and saying ‘egg! egg! egg!’ – so surreal I literally can’t stand it sometimes.

I am grateful for you. I am humbled by you. I love you.

xo

Dear Lili,

Back in the day when your father and I were first dating I used to try and ‘play it cool’ when I saw him walking up the street to meet me like, “Oh hey…” – as if I hardly noticed him. The truth was – more often than not I was beside myself with excitement that he was coming over to hang out with me.

The same thing happens – the same feeling – when you have kids. Even better – your fan base has now expanded.

Many nights you and I stall to wait for Dad’s arrival. Our mission – to see him come down the block after a long day of working hard for us – and for him to see our two shining faces peer out the window – and watch him break into a smile.

Our little family – so not playing it cool.

Dear Lili,

Yesterday we walked a playdate to the door to say goodbye. You wanted to go outside so we did despite the mild rain coming down. But then half way down the block it began to really come down so I grabbed you and we ran back indoors.

You did not like it one bit. No sir. I do admit – even though it was raining it was still so beautiful and nice out. So you pitched a fit and when I put you on the ground inside the front hall you pounded on the door saying ‘back? back? back?’ – your new phrase – you wanted to go back outside.

I said, “Lilian – it’s raining honey.” You looked so frustrated and bummed.  I then watched you give a deep sigh and almost as if a lightbulb went on you marched over confidently to the front hall basket where we keep the umbrellas and grabbed a polka dotted one. Again you stared up at me in your tiny soaked pink hooded sweatshirt and with big eyes holding up the umbrella with all your might you said, “Back? Back?”

We went back outside. And thank goodness because it was ridiculous to say no. It was beautiful out. I even let you hold the umbrella over your head with your very own tiny hands (while I got soaked!). The best was – from my perspective looking down at you holding the umbrella – you resembled a tiny mushroom toddling down the sidewalk.

Every person that passed us broke into a grin. Thank you for always reminding me to keep it real babe. I love you.

Dear Lili,

You are in a very cute little phase right now where you LOVE necklaces. Each morning you wake up you yell, “NECK! NECK!” until we offer you a few junk necklaces we have around the house to choose from. Then you say, “On? On?” after you choose one and we are out the door. Kid – I like your style.

xo

Dear Lili,

I can officially say at 17 months we have reached the exciting stage of TANTRUMS. YAY! Yay for us.

It started on Monday. Just like that. Out of nowhere while preparing you for your normal tub which your ALWAYS LOVE – love to throw tub toys in – love to kick and splash – you totally, totally, totally melted down. You kicked and bloody murder screamed your guts out. Your face was beet red. Your eyes were streaming tears and were darting from left to right like a crazy person. You wrenched your body in uncomfortable twists and turns trying to get out of our grasp. Basically a total nightmare.

Because I am conceited and think I am the center of the universe when it comes to knowing everything about parenting (ask Dad) I assumed it was because Dad came home from work and we had a quick transition – aka – me throwing you into his arms and leaving the room. Not that I don’t think Dad does a good job. And not that I didn’t think you didn’t ‘know who this guy was’. It’s just that I happened to notice during the past week (and your babysitter too) that you have been a little Mommy clingy lately. Lets just say – this is not your usual style.

The good news is – you taught me the best lesson tonight which was – apologize to Dad and stop crawling up his butt about parenting. Why? Because tonight when I went to put you in a tub flying solo – Dad still at work – you totally did the exact same thing to me. In fact worse.

My tantrum version – lucky me – involved the same screaming, beet red face, falling on floor of bathroom, banging your head, gasping, tears streaming out of nowhere from the other night…but was also complete with a 15 minute finale involving you nearly falling off your changing table in twisting body protest. After I finally wrangled a diaper on you I put the still screaming you on the floor in only a diaper to attempt to put your pajamas on – and then you proceeded to kick me in the face several times until you escaped out of my arms and threw yourself facedown on the rug literally kicking and punching your fists. This went on for 15 minutes.

Because I am tired and haven’t read the tantrum chapter yet – I just said to you calmly, “Lilian. I’m sorry you are angry. I think you are very tired after a long day and it’s almost time for night night.” to which you half paused and literally then once again flung your body to the ground and continued without missing a beat.

The good news is you survived the tantrum. And so did I. The even better news – you provided me with a great reminder that this is an important phase in life and not necessarily about the Mother or Father’s roles in this case.

I hear you now screaming from your crib. This time happily as you chant, “Mama Dada Mama Dada Mama Dada”. Got that right.

Dear Lili,

The pretend play you are doing as of late is SO CUTE. I think it is extra cute that you are a tiny girl because I like to watch you do little girl like things. For example we bought you one of those tiny pink baby doll strollers and you like to push it around everywhere carrying your little baby. Yesterday it was rainy and miserable outside and you spent a lot of time taking your mini straw purse I bought you from the drug store, putting it on your arm, violently shoving your baby in the stroller with a blanket on her face and saying, “Bye!” and then shoving off up and down the hallway on your merry way. You also kept putting the little straw purse on the back of the stroller like I carry my purse which was hilarious.

And when it was time to put your pjs on after a bath you took the empty cream tube and gently turned it over and put some on your baby and rubbed her skin.

Now if I can get you to clean the house we will be all set.

Dear Lili,

This week you learned the true meaning of FAMILY! After reading a sad blog post of my description of losing your beloved favorite stuffed animal penguin toy my cousin Megan and your second cousin Caitlin sent you the EXACT same one as a replacement! As a total surprise. I couldn’t believe it!

Now that is some true family love there. Yay! Lucky us.

xo

Dear Lili,

Let me play catch up here on your digital baby book and record some things you do as of late:

SITTING: You love sitting on little stools, benches, your bean bag, tiny chairs, etc. You tend to look at the item you are about to sit on turn back around and back your butt into it slowly and then sit down cautiously on the item and give a wide grin because you are proud. It is very cute.

MORE TALKING: You’ve now added (and forgive me for repeats) gracias, fresa, hummus, applesauce, Jack (playmate), Nana (my Mom – you came up with it on your own), Papa (my dad), Ala (your Aunt Aly), Bust (my parents dog Buster) and today the babysitter said you said ‘no mas agua’, breakfast – when I go in your room in the morning I always say good morning and then ‘do you want some breakfast?’ and you always nod furiously and say ‘yes, breakfast’

BAGS: You love to carry bags around with handles and put things in them, you like to carry around my purses and take things in and out of them. I found a mini straw purse at the drug store for $1.99 and it is so cute to watch you carry it around on your little arm.

HUGS: You now give hugs which as you might imagine as your parents feel SO GOOD. You hug your babies and you love stuffed animals. Someone warned me to halt the growth of stuffed animal collections otherwise the house will be taken over by them. I am trying.

DIAPER CHANGED/GETTING DRESSED: You hate it. Totally scream and kick and twist and freak out. You don’t like to be confined for a second and get so angry when it is time to have a diaper changed or get dressed. It would take an entire circus of clowns to distract you from the process.

TUB: You think it is ‘hilarious’ to dip your face into the tub water for a quick second. Like gut busting hilarious. Even the moment you are about to do it you start a full facial grin and I always say ‘close your mouth! close your mouth!’ but you never do and end up getting water in your nose and mouth. Oh well.

VIDEOS: You love at 8:30AM on the dot every morning to cuddle with Dad and watch videos on his iphone. Many of the videos are old school Sesame Street episodes that he got off of You Tube. You sit in the crook of his arm and cuddle a soft stuffed animal under a blanket and it is so cute to see. Sometimes a mid-morning snack is involved.

CLIMBING STEPS: You LOVE climbing steps and push my hand away when I try to hold on to you. You hang on the railing like a big girl and go one by one but still are a little dangerous so we have to keep an eye on you. In fact you do many things on your own where you push our hand away. Only the beginning of your growing independence I guess!

FOODS: You still hate cheese, most veggies, you totally totally hate all types of meat and believe me when I tell you we have tried EVERYTHING! You love spinach though and have taken a new liking to pasta with red sauce – thank god. You like watermelon and most fruits – blackberries are a new favorite. Blueberries. You LOVE cereal. And sadly was introduced to lollipops recently so I got some sugar free ones from the healthfood store which I give you on occasion in desperation when I need you to sit quietly for more than 5 minutes in order to get something done!

We love you. Thank you for bringing such joy into our lives.

Dear Lili,

Today you said your first cuss word. I don’t know if this is a milestone or not but I’m not exactly proud of teaching you to say it. You said it loud and clear as day and like a parrot repeated it right after me when I was frustrated by something. Lets just say it starts with an F and sounds like DUCK.

Ooops.

xo

For about three weeks now we’ve hinted around at the big elephant in the room – Lilian’s mini white potty. I felt the best approach for her personality was to casually introduce the item into our life without showing much interest leaving her to explore. Lilian is extremely stubborn and if there is any hint of someone forcing something she totally and quickly rebels. This should make for some fun teen years.

I should admit I know nothing about potty training. I read a bit about what signs to look out for as to when to begin but we’ve been just more or less going with the flow. Pardon the pun. Our pediatrician believes you should let kids crap and pee around the house without a diaper until they don’t like the feeling and turn to potty training. I’m going to go ahead and say no thanks on that one. I’m happy if that works for others but not at this camp.

Over the past few weeks there has been a lot of pee and potty talk thrown about the house. Random and somewhat hilarious enthusiastic announcements between E and I such as ‘I am going to go PEE PEE on the POTTY now’ with Lilian looking at us like um…stop being such freaks and/or you are so totally lame. Every time we are in the bathroom I ask her if she wants to go (fully clothed – just trying to get used to the idea) and she says ‘NO!’ but once I physically place her on there she loves it and refuses to get off. There is lots of pointing ‘this is Mama’s big potty’ and ‘this is your potty’. I also have been having her throw her dirty diaper in there before tub time or flushing the big toilet saying bye bye to pee pee which if you didn’t know already is TOTALLY HILARIOUS. Fifty five people reading this are sure to send me emails telling me I’ve done about fifty five things wrong with this entire process but it seems to work for us. Why?

BECAUSE SHE TOTALLY PEED ON HER OWN TONIGHT! IN THE POTTY! I can’t believe my blog posts have come to this but folks? They have.

Eliot is off on his mancation hiking and camping in the woods in Utah. I’m pretty sure he won’t be doing much pee pee in the potty there but when he returns I will be sure to tell him all about it. In detail.

Hi Lils,

You are talking up a storm! And so many of these words are clear as day and not the baby sounding version that you have used for the last few months which is also cute and adorable I must say. I’ll list them off even though many are repeats from former posts:

This week’s new words:

Hummus. Baby. Rock. Red. Bye bye. Una Mas. Jugo. Knee. Uh-oh. Ow. Milk. and some strange sounding word for water that sounds like ‘Marger’

This. (You point to everything all the time non-stop that you want to hold, touch, see, etc. saying ‘this this this!’) Hello. Apple. Yellow. Red. Book. Fish. Duck. Cow. Nose. Eyes. Socks. Shoes. (you tend to call socks shoes) More. Agua. Mama. Da. Hi. Up. No. Yes. (with furious head nodding) Pillow. Dog. Cat. Meow Meow. Moo. Ball. Wow. Shoes. Sit. Off. On. Open (uppen)

More than one word:

I want… (tonight you were trying to get something from my purse saying I want over and over again)

Want this…

I want this…(might be your longest string of words so far)

More this…

No this…

Mas (whatever)…

I’m totally getting you a T-shirt that says THIS

And just a side note…it’s totally freaky to hear you say ‘I want’ it makes me pause each and every time like what? you? how could you – tiny little thing – not only want something but express it??!

Lost Penguin Toy Posted by: “kdunk10″ kdunk10@gmail.com

kdunk10

Mon Mar 30, 2009 8:47 am (PDT)

Hello, Long shot – my daughter lost her favorite stuffed animal penguin toy (it is in a pretend cloth cracked egg shell attached with velcro) somewhere between Carroll Park and Met foods. Please let me know if you come across it. Thanks! Kristen, Mom to Lilian

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Ok. You are really getting a kick out of teasing me these days. What a ham.

Now any time I open the fridge door and stand in front of it with you on my hip you say completely and totally mocking me (and often beating me to the punch):

“Um…..” followed by a big sigh (as in trying to decide what to cook)

Am I that bad?

Ha.

Recently your Dad taught you the word yellow.

And in the last couple of baths I’ve asked you what color your rubber duck is to which you’ve said ‘lellow’. Because it was the same item all the time to which you said ‘lellow’ I mostly thought it was more or less you associating that word with the item rather than you actually knowing what color it was. Until yesterday.

Yesterday we were out playing in the front ‘yard’ (cement). I was talking to our neighbor when out of the corner of my eye I saw you bend down and pick up something. While talking I heard you say, ‘Lellow! Lellow! Lellow!’ and looked over and you were holding a big yellow slip of paper you picked up off the ground.

Coincidence? Maybe. You never know.

Hi Lils,

Doc called last night and for one to have a UTI you have to score ‘100,000′ on urine test which you got ‘50,000′ on. If the symptoms continued that you had all week – fevers, pain when you peed, etc. she said she would put you on antibiotics since you had a weak trace. But she predicted it meant you were heading towards getting and feeling better. Knock on wood you appear to be on the rise. I love you. Thank you for being such a strong little girl!

xo

Dear Lili,

Sorry for the crappy week last week.

So much of it was out of my control but some of it was and as your mother at the end of the day and TO this day – I feel responsible.

We have been dealing with crazy strange things since you got your MMR shot on Monday, March 16th. It is the controversial shot that many link to Autism among other spooky conditions. Many parents break up the shots into three over the course of time. Instead we showed up at your appointment like ‘biz as usual’ and let them give you all three at once in addition to Chicken Pox. Why Chicken Pox? I didn’t even think more about it. Looking back I would not have done this.

It was one of those strange bad after thoughts that only hit me when we brought you home. You proceeded to cry for six hours after the shot and while I got the whole ‘kids get cranky after shots’ thing – six hours of non-stop screaming seemed a little insane. Your father even left work early to come and provide support.

When your Dad got home I called the doctor who predicted it would get better the next day. She was wrong. The next day you had a low-grade fever and weren’t yourself at all. You were having tantrums (totally unrelated to anything and that involved falling to the ground putting your face into the floor), crying (actual tears and gulping for breath) and you literally had a scowl on your face as well as a far away look in your usual bright eyes. When I came into your room in the morning or to get you up from a nap – instead of jumping up with joy and hanging on to the edge of your crib waiting with excitement to get out as you usually do – you would be on your back clutching your teddy bear and barely moving. To say the least – I was FREAKING….OUT.

For the next few nights I could barely sleep. I’m not religious but I’ll confess I prayed for any sign of life from you – especially in your eyes – that you were in fact yourself again. I was a mess. I was convinced because I didn’t do my research or devote more time to choosing the correct medical procedures you were now screwed for life. I couldn’t sleep at night. My stomach was a mess of knots. And I spent my free time researching horrible stories on-line despite knowing it was the wrong thing to do.

By the third or fourth day of low grade fevers (100.9/101) on Friday your fever spiked to 103. We called the doctor again. The doctor predicted that this was most likely the highest spike and then it would go down or go away. He also predicted it might be viral and not related to the shot (which actually provided us some relief) since most MMR reactions happen 10-15 days after the shot and not three. They were right. It was the highest spike thank god and the best news was parts of your little personality began to shine through again slowly.

So that was Monday (the day of shots) through Friday (the day of the fever spike) – but by the weekend your fever came back as well as another strange symptom. You would be playing happily and then out of nowhere stop abruptly, clutch your lower back or leg and start to cry or whimper or say, “Mama!” (through tears) for a few brief moments and then stop. I called the doctor again.

She said to come in. She checked your ears, nose and throat. Everything seemed in check but she did mention that she wanted to take a urine sample to see if you might have a Urinary Tract infection – something I didn’t even know small children could get. It would make sense though when I thought about it. You playing happily and then stopping out of nowhere – whimpering when you were peeing maybe or briefly feeling waves of pain. Who knows!

The doctor said we had two choices to get the urine. This is where I will never forgive myself – even though I know I’m being harsh.

The doc said we could extract the urine with a small catheter and it would be quick and fairly painless – like getting a small shot. Or we could put a diaper type contraption on you and wait in the germ fest waiting room with sick kids for an hour plus until you peed (or hope you peed) and then they could grab the urine sample from there. I chose the catheter.

For the procedure I had to hold you down in an aggressive hug while a nurse held your legs open and the doc did what she had to do. However I did not feel emotionally prepared me for what was to happen next which involved the doctor having to somewhat aggressively push it into you – so much so your entire body was shoved up and down several times with force.  While I was sure the doctor was doing the best she could – she confessed after what seemed like several minutes of your screaming, crying, eyes darting looking up at me in fear and complete body shaking – that due to three failed attempts – she had to stop because you still had a thin film growing down there and she could not get it in.

After doing my best to calm you down – which never really happened to be honest – we then had to result to Plan B – collecting your urine in the diaper contraption which we had to then put on you. We waited in the waiting room for close to two hours hoping you peed in the diaper contraption so they could collect the urine. I attempted to calmly call your father at work and update him but didn’t do a very good job making an already tense and vague situation worse. After the two hours of drinking tons of liquid, etc. the doctor opened the diaper up and – nothing.

Doctor sent me home with the swabs, urine sample cup, syringe, etc. to collect the urine ourselves and then bring it in the morning to be sent to the lab. She said to take extra care to be sure the area remained sterile, etc. After waking up the next morning, flooding you with liquids, waiting an hour plus again for you to pee I opened up the diaper to see that the urine leaked all over the bag and diaper leaving the sample – useless.

Back to the doctor. This time with your babysitter who was working with us that day. I felt self-concious and wierd being that woman I usually judge who brings her nanny to doctors appointments and drinking her latte and checking her Blackberry while the nanny holds the baby. While we weren’t those women it still felt like I got those stares.

The doctor and nurse put on the urine collecting diaper at the office. We waited again for an hour plus for you to pee. All this for a little cup of urine! We kept you happy with lollipos which you pointed at every once in a while saying, “THIS! THIS!” In some aspects it was the best day of your life.

We opened the diaper. The doctor said we had enough urine to send to the lab to confirm if it is in fact a urinary tract infection. We would know in three days.

Waiting.

As I type this I am waiting for a call back from the doctor. Your mood has continued to improve, you (knock on wood) have only had one more low-grade fever since and less clutching your privates in pain. We’ll see.

The bottom line Lili – after a long unorganized ramble blog – is that I am sorry for all this dumb tiring stuff. Compared to seriously ill children I know this is nothing but as first time parents this stuff can be super scary.

One thing I vowed to myself is this – when asked in future doctors appointments how I want to proceed with medical things involving my child – I will take the pause…………the sometimes uncomfortable one……….. to take my face off the doctor’s gaze, turn my head towards your little face Lili – and take as much time as I need to think about what is in your best interest.

After that – we will take it from there.

I love you.

My father might be the only one to really appreciate this new development in the life of his granddaughter. However he won’t read this blog unless I tell him to go to this site and do so because he still to this day calls me (despite my having been blogging  elsewhere since November 2001) to ‘ask permission’ to ‘read my blog’ as if it is a teen diary complete with a lock and key.

But anyway…my entire childhood I recall my father being semi-distracted when enaged in a conversation with me. My sister and I spent a lifetime hanging on the words of half completed sentences by good ‘ole distracted Dad. A typical exchange often went like this:

Me: Dad…do you want to go to the park with me?

Dad: Sure….but first I need to…UM…UM…(long silent pause – lost in thought)

or

Me: Dad…will you ride bikes with me?

Dad: Great! Let me just…UM…UM…(long silent pause – lost in thought)

Today Lilian was hanging out by the front door. She wanted out. She was pointing to the front door yelling,

L: “THIS THIS! BYE BYE! THIS!”

I said, “You want to go bye bye? Ok. But first I need to…UM…UM” (long silent pause – lost in thought)

And what did she do? She totally busted me.

There was a silent pause and then she said in the EXACT same tone…

L: UM…UM…

It burst my distracted bubble. I cracked a smile and so did she.

Lilian,

You are doing something cute as of late which is mixing up words for example…

The other morning I said the word ‘coughing’ and you shook your finger back and forth in a ‘no no’ motion and said ‘hot coffee’ – get it? cough….coffee

Today I said, “Do you want a mini-taco?” and you nodded furiously. When I gave it to you almost immediately said “ticka ticka” (your word for tickle) and tickled the actual taco with your tiny fingers – get it? taco…tickle

You are awesome.

xo

Not sure if I covered some of these in the last post – too lazy to look – but here goes:

appa: apple

peez: please

abeen: open

obby: potty

yayo: yellow

ot copy: hot coffee

Other funny random things:

The other night when reading you the book your grandmother gave you called ‘Baby Happy, Baby Sad’ you made actual fake crying sounds of a baby crying when I got to the crying page. It was actually slightly convincing – so much so I stopped reading and looked down at your face thinking you were upset and you were totally ‘in character’ crying like a sad baby and then broke into a smile and laughed. It was very funny.

The other night I thought you were asleep – I tip toed into your room to check on you and heard GULP GULP GULP GULP (you sleep with a sippy cup of water) and then a refreshing AHHHHHHHHHH like you took a sip from a frosty beer. Then a pause (not knowing I was there you said) in a raspy voice, “AGUA”

One recent morning I was running around the apartment with my head chopped off trying to get out the door. I was saying, “I just need to find your jacket. Once I find your jacket we can go. I swear I saw your jacket….” on and on. In my hurried state I took a quick glance up to see you totally holding your jacket up and out to me like ‘um…can we get going now’.

Things you love:

Freeze dried fruit, veggie sticks, water and more water  – like gallons per day, carrying around tiny washcloths in each of your hands, brushing your teeth, throwing things like bath toys into the tub while it is filling up, singing funny songs, tiny mini-waffles, saying ‘muh muh’ (more) when you want more food, pillows and diving on piles of pillows (hilarious!), climbing up and down steps, looking in the mirror at yourself and making faces, brushing your hair and mine, fake food toys, our keys, pulling thousands of books off the shelves, eating stuff you are not allowed too off the floor, Tylenol, opening cabinets you shouldn’t be opening, dogs, big kids, sniffing flowers, saying ‘hiya’ (one word) to everyone you pass on the street at volume ten, rolling around on the new rug in your room, playing with and carrying around shoes, eating snow, etc.

Things you hate:

Anything mushy to eat, cows milk, cheese, veggies (sad), getting your hands sticky or dirty, loud people, fake people in your face, being put in your stroller, sitting on my lap (squirm city), when we try and put the pacifier in your mouth in the middle of the night if you woke up crying – we have to hand it to you instead, getting your nose cleaned, being put on your changing table, coming out of a bath, getting dressed, etc.

I have been meaning to keep a running list of words you have said at one point or know. Your father can let me know if I am missing anything.

List of words you have said at one point or another to date at 14 months:

DaDa, Mama, Abby (your nickname for babysitter), Duck, Cat (you say a high pitched MOW MOW) , Pig, Cracker (Cakur), More (Muh), Shoes (Sues), Sock, Fish, Agua, Nana, Coffee (Mama’s hot coffee – you shake your finger ‘no’ don’t touch), EIEIO, No, Yes, Up, Feet, Tickle (Tika Tika), Mum Mum (food)

List of words or commands you know the meaning of (such as where is the flower? and you point and make a sniff motion with your nose):

Flower, Dog (you say FFF FFF for woof woof), Frog, Crib, Cup, Teddy, Kitty, Blankie, Pacifier, Video (at the mere mention of word video you launch into singing EIEIO), Hot (you shake your finger no), Computer, Pretty (you say wow), Hairbrush (you pretend to brush your hair with your hand), Kisses, Hug, Off, Open, Close, Walk, Belly button, So Big (you raise hands), Butterfly (you exhale a ‘wow’ and point to sky), Lion (you roar), Spider (you make crawlking motion with fingers on neck), Nose (you point to your nose or someone elses), Eye (you jab yourself in eyeball)

I love you. Good work!

Dear Lili,

Today the playground had been heavily rained on. The swings were pools of water. The wood soaked. The slide was practically black and at the bottom of a slide was a very tempting pool of dirty gross cold water.

Many kids wanted to go down the slide. Many kids didn’t understand the phrases most of the caregivers were using such as ‘can’t go down there right now’ or ‘it is yucky’ or ‘we have to let the slide dry’. I did not judge them for saying this. Why? Because so much of my early motherhood-ing has been of this mindset for whatever reason. Avoiding getting you super dirty.

For a long time now I’ve wondered if this was an urban thing. I think honestly that it is. If I lived in a house with a backyard I would let you run more wild I think because I could just wash you up afterwards or throw a load of laundry in. In Brooklyn, you do things like ‘go out for the day’ for long periods of time with your child and don’t have the luxury of driving home for a quick second. So unless you cart around several changes of outfits you are stuck strolling around a dirty wet child for hours as you go to the grocery store, the library, to someone’s house for a play date, etc.  Dirty clothes for most people sit for several days in your laundry bag in urban living before they are dropped off at the laundry mat unless you have a washing machine in your tiny apartment. Also – lets say you put dirty wet child back into their stroller after playing in the mud – you now have to wash not only the clothes they are wearing but also the stroller bag in which they are zipped up in for most the day every day. Blah blah blah.

These days I am trying to be less uptight in all the wrong places. Having spent a lifetime doing so I just can’t stomach it anymore. Today I had a pause as I realized something that had changed about me. The more I am trying to let go the happier I am feeling.

This morning was a perfect example. I watched you make your way towards the slide in your perfectly clean cute pink pants. I let you bend down and splash a dirty puddle of water with your tiny hands which you then immediately put in your mouth (super gross). And then as you held your arms up and grunted – a sign to be picked up and put down the slide – I did just so – watching you land happily in the tiny pool of gross cold water at the bottom. You laughed and kneeled in the dirt afterwards. You played with a stick and hit it in the water.  Other people looked on wondering I’m sure what this crazy Mom was doing. But so what, right? The sun was shining. It was a beautiful happy morning. And so what? You had dirty wet pants. All we did was just go home.

Dear Lili:

There are several times as your mother where…well…I have messed up.

A classic story is the time I undressed you to find I had – by mistake – zipped up a giant plastic tub toy shark in the leg of your footed pajamas and that was the reason you were crying all night and not – ‘teething’. Well I have another one for you and for that I am sorry.

The last few weeks when I take you to the park I keep trying to let go of your hands and encourage you to walk to me. As you may remember – a month or so ago you totally walked on your own – across the room and back several times – and we clapped and took and video and life was great. And then you totally totally totally have refused to walk since then.

Yesterday in the park something was different. Something about your refusal to walk. You actually looked very upset and angry when I made you try. When I let go of your hands you looked up at me and said ‘Nuh!’ (No) and started to cry and would fall down. I can’t explain it but as your mother I had a gut feeling something was ‘wrong’ – something about your walking was bothering you. So – natural starting point – your shoes.

I took a look at your feet last night. Really looked at them. I noticed almost out of nowhere – your feet were HUGE. Like the size of a basketball players! In a blink of an eye you grew overnight and today I had the babysitter get your measured at the shoe store and told her to call me with ‘the results’.

Here are the results.

Mama had you in Size 4 shoe and you are a…5. In fact a little more than 5.

Um. Sorry?

Sorry for this little one. Sorry for that look on your face at the playground – the one that has wanted to run and walk but instead you fall down and cry. Sorry your father and mother didn’t measure you but you are growing so fast we forgot to catch up. I promise we really don’t believe in foot binding even if it means you might marry into a nice family for a hefty sum.

We love you. New shoes are on the way. Express. Promise. In fact when you get them I fully expect you to run – run so far away from me. But please come back.

xo

Hola Lili,

Today you added another Spanish word to your vocab – Agua. You, Dad and I were sitting eating lunch and you pointed to your water bottle and said ‘agua’. It was so clear and crisp that I was shocked as I always am and said, “Lili…did you just say agua?” Then you smiled and turned to Dad and then turned back to your water bottle and proceeded to say Agua and then we clapped and cheered and then you said Agua and then we clapped and cheered and so on and so on.

My mother once told me I said agua at the age of 5 or so. We were in a greenhouse and I had wandered off somewhere beyond her watchful eye. All of the sudden the sprinkler system turned on in the greenhouse and my mother and the person working there found me in the middle of the mess. I had turned the crank on and was standing there yelling the latest word I had learned on Sesame Street – AGUA AGUA AGUA.

I’m glad our experience was in the privacy of our own home. Less mess.